I have no words

Well actually I do now, but for the last two weeks I haven’t.  I have been struggling so much with everything that I’ve not even been able to write here – the safe place I started just to share my deepest feelings and emotions.

So!  I’ve been tired, so unbelievably tired, and two trips away to different offices has floored me!  I’ve been in pain with my joints, I’m struggling to walk up the stairs,  the side effects have kicked in with my new tablets giving me the most awful stomach pains, and upset tummy – not the nicest thing when away and visiting other people.   And the heat!!!  The heat is just unbearable!  And I hate that I can’t go and lie in the sun all day like I used to.  
And I am just so down.  And it’s hurting.  I am such a positive person normally, and I just haven’t got the energy just now.  I can’t exercise, my food has been awful, I’ve put weight on so all my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable. I’m  not sleeping properly, and I’m constantly crying.   My boss actually told one of the girls I was visiting to look after me as I’m not coping just now.    I’m a complete and utter basket case.  I know hubby is struggling with what to do for me too, as he’s never seen me like this, and it hurts that I’m hurting him, but I just can’t shake it.

I don’t remember ever feeling this down, even when I was in hospital for 9 weeks, I kept my positivity, and brightness.

I do know how far I’ve come, and how much better I am, but this just seems continuous, with no end in sight, and I honestly don’t want to do it anymore, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

I’ve spoken to my consultant, and she thinks it would be a good idea to have a course of anti depressants – my idea just to get me through the next few months, to get me out of this downward spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into – so I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor this week and hopefully things will start looking up soon.

Watch this space 💜💜💜

This Week!!!  

I am in such a mixed up state just now – and more about that in a minute.  First an update on my goals I set last week.

I got halfway there!   3 out of 7 days I kept within my calories, 4 out of 6 days I exercised.  Not great, but a massive improvement from the previous week, so I’m ok with it.

So this week!  Last Friday my boss phoned and asked if I could go to our head office next week. He was supposed to be attending a two day training course, but he’s been called away so wants me to stand in.

Now – I’ve travelled with my job for the past 5 years, and it’s never been an issue, and I love learning new stuff, so that’s good.

The mixed up ness?  Well, this is the first time away from home since I came out of hospital, my first time away from hubby and my son, and I’m scared.  I don’t know why, I have no idea what I think could happen, but I can’t stop crying.  I know I will be fine, it’s something I’ve done so many times before, and my health has been settled since I came home, so nothing is going to kick off there just because I’m away from home.   I’m going to miss my two so much!  

There’s also the brain fog, and the anxiety and lack of confidence that comes with the Lupus, will I be able to walk into a room with a load of strangers?  Will I be able to learn this new system?  Will I remember how to get there?  Will I be able to handle the 4 hour journey, with suitcase and laptop?   And do it all again coming home?  

I’ve also got to now do a weeks worth of work in 2 days, so once I’m back in the office tomorrow I’m not going to have much chance to stress, not till I get to Tuesday evening anyway.

Today – I’ve been out for my C25K, I’m on to week 3 now, and the rest of the day will be spent emotionally eating.

Oh – and one more thing – our head office is in London ………

Putting my Goals Out There! 

I’m struggling with sticking to a proper & regular exercise plan, so I’m declaring my goals publically in the hope that being accountable will make me shift myself.
So my goals for this week

  1. To do 30 minutes of exercise ever day – except Saturday
  2. To stick with in my calorie allowance

I’m just doing this week by week, one week at a time for now, till I get back into a routine

Benefits

  1. I will be happier
  2. I will sleep better
  3. I will like my legs again
  4. I won’t be in so much pain
  5. I will lose weight 
  6. I will tone up
  7. I will be happier – this one needs mentioning twice as it’s the most important one, and exercise does make me so much happier.

I will let you know next week how I got on.

💙💙💙

I’m turning in to a moaning Minnie! 

So today!  It’s been too hot!!   I have always loved the heat and the sun, I’m more than happy to be out in my garden from first thing, till last thing!!  I love the summer!  

But that’s all changed now, with my dodgy skin, and meds that make me sensitive to the sun! 
Today I discovered

  1.  I’m going to become one of those people that complains about the heat
  2. I need to take my sun cream to work with me – the 15 minute walk home left my arm and leg burning.
  3. It’s all well and good being told I can run, but there’s not a chance I’m going to in this heat!
  4. Heat makes me sleep less, so I’ve been tired today, and very weepy, every time someone came to see me in work I burst into tears – luckily they all know I’m a loon! 
  5. I’m a little bit scared about starting my new tablets – that’s one of the things that set me off crying.
  6. It’s going to be a very long summer!

But at least it’s Friday tomorrow! 

💙💙💙💙

My week off!

So my week off didn’t go to plan!   

Turns out I can’t do as much as I used to! But never mind, still did lots, and still had a wonderful, relaxing break! 
 
I also promised pictures, so pictures I will add! 

We took the week off as it was hubby’s birthday, and we celebrated with lots of food!  Meals out & takeaways!  


We visited two local seaside reaorts!


 
Played on a pirate ship

Had the nicest ice cream – Jaffa cake flavour


Played on a swing


 Celebrated Mum’s 70th birthday – with more food


And slept lots!    Most of our days out were actually mornings out, followed by a snooze, which has actually made our time appear longer.

Oh and I got a new Tattoo!  A purple butterfly to signify Lupus awareness

So, yes, a good week off, and really don’t want to go back tomorrow! 

Unfortunately the only lottery win I had was a lucky dip ticket! 

💙💙💙

Crazy week done and dusted!

I am so glad this week is over, it’s all been a bit of a blur.

Work was crazy, covering for my boss while he was on holiday, training a new member of staff by phone, as she’s based in an office the other end of the country, and trying to get everything up to date before I finished on Friday for a week off.

All that on top of a few hospital appointments, several tests, several lots of bloods taken, a flu jab, and a pneumonia jab, all in preparation for me starting a new medication they want to try me with.

Had a few wobbly moments – Tuesday mainly,  when I spent all day crying and feeling sorry for myself, my tablets all feel quite settled just now so why are they messing about with them, why can’t they just leave me alone, I wish it would all just go away and I could be normal again!  

Wednesday I was very tired as I hadn’t slept well, but gave myself a good talking to – it’s happening, get over it, and get on with it, no point being miserable too.  Positive thought helped along with eating my way through the day.

So the rest of the week was much happier, got everything I needed to do done, and this morning I’ve spent being pampered by my most wonderful hairdresser who I love.  

An hour with him, and I feel calm, relaxed, and gorgeous (this is a very rare feeling for me, and normally only happens after my 6 weekly appointment).  I have been trying to grow my hair, and it’s just not happening, it’s been looking scraggly and messy, so now back to short, and styled, and dyed a lot lighter than normal.  A new me for the summer.

Oh and I nearly forgot!  Doc said I can start running again, as long as I’m sensible and build back up gradually doing the walk/run C25K, so I’m going to try and see how that goes over the next week.

Looking forward to our week off, nothing much planned, just going to go out for days locally, and relax.  Might try a different type of blog and just show lots of pics rather than rambling on for hours.

Enjoy your weekends 
💙💙💙