Up and Down

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready.  I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed!  But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too.  And I’m then comfort eating.  I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative.  I’m a positive person,  I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful.  I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide.  Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer.  And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already!  I haven’t cried once all week.  

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months!  I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now! 

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now!   This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden!   I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!  
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!  
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!  

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable. 

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This Week!!!  

I am in such a mixed up state just now – and more about that in a minute.  First an update on my goals I set last week.

I got halfway there!   3 out of 7 days I kept within my calories, 4 out of 6 days I exercised.  Not great, but a massive improvement from the previous week, so I’m ok with it.

So this week!  Last Friday my boss phoned and asked if I could go to our head office next week. He was supposed to be attending a two day training course, but he’s been called away so wants me to stand in.

Now – I’ve travelled with my job for the past 5 years, and it’s never been an issue, and I love learning new stuff, so that’s good.

The mixed up ness?  Well, this is the first time away from home since I came out of hospital, my first time away from hubby and my son, and I’m scared.  I don’t know why, I have no idea what I think could happen, but I can’t stop crying.  I know I will be fine, it’s something I’ve done so many times before, and my health has been settled since I came home, so nothing is going to kick off there just because I’m away from home.   I’m going to miss my two so much!  

There’s also the brain fog, and the anxiety and lack of confidence that comes with the Lupus, will I be able to walk into a room with a load of strangers?  Will I be able to learn this new system?  Will I remember how to get there?  Will I be able to handle the 4 hour journey, with suitcase and laptop?   And do it all again coming home?  

I’ve also got to now do a weeks worth of work in 2 days, so once I’m back in the office tomorrow I’m not going to have much chance to stress, not till I get to Tuesday evening anyway.

Today – I’ve been out for my C25K, I’m on to week 3 now, and the rest of the day will be spent emotionally eating.

Oh – and one more thing – our head office is in London ………

I’m turning in to a moaning Minnie! 

So today!  It’s been too hot!!   I have always loved the heat and the sun, I’m more than happy to be out in my garden from first thing, till last thing!!  I love the summer!  

But that’s all changed now, with my dodgy skin, and meds that make me sensitive to the sun! 
Today I discovered

  1.  I’m going to become one of those people that complains about the heat
  2. I need to take my sun cream to work with me – the 15 minute walk home left my arm and leg burning.
  3. It’s all well and good being told I can run, but there’s not a chance I’m going to in this heat!
  4. Heat makes me sleep less, so I’ve been tired today, and very weepy, every time someone came to see me in work I burst into tears – luckily they all know I’m a loon! 
  5. I’m a little bit scared about starting my new tablets – that’s one of the things that set me off crying.
  6. It’s going to be a very long summer!

But at least it’s Friday tomorrow! 

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Crazy week done and dusted!

I am so glad this week is over, it’s all been a bit of a blur.

Work was crazy, covering for my boss while he was on holiday, training a new member of staff by phone, as she’s based in an office the other end of the country, and trying to get everything up to date before I finished on Friday for a week off.

All that on top of a few hospital appointments, several tests, several lots of bloods taken, a flu jab, and a pneumonia jab, all in preparation for me starting a new medication they want to try me with.

Had a few wobbly moments – Tuesday mainly,  when I spent all day crying and feeling sorry for myself, my tablets all feel quite settled just now so why are they messing about with them, why can’t they just leave me alone, I wish it would all just go away and I could be normal again!  

Wednesday I was very tired as I hadn’t slept well, but gave myself a good talking to – it’s happening, get over it, and get on with it, no point being miserable too.  Positive thought helped along with eating my way through the day.

So the rest of the week was much happier, got everything I needed to do done, and this morning I’ve spent being pampered by my most wonderful hairdresser who I love.  

An hour with him, and I feel calm, relaxed, and gorgeous (this is a very rare feeling for me, and normally only happens after my 6 weekly appointment).  I have been trying to grow my hair, and it’s just not happening, it’s been looking scraggly and messy, so now back to short, and styled, and dyed a lot lighter than normal.  A new me for the summer.

Oh and I nearly forgot!  Doc said I can start running again, as long as I’m sensible and build back up gradually doing the walk/run C25K, so I’m going to try and see how that goes over the next week.

Looking forward to our week off, nothing much planned, just going to go out for days locally, and relax.  Might try a different type of blog and just show lots of pics rather than rambling on for hours.

Enjoy your weekends 
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Today I cried!

So today I cried, then I cried a bit more, and just in case I hadn’t cried enough – I cried some more

I cried because I was tired

I cried because my leg hurt

I cried because I’m struggling with work

I cried because I have Lupus

I cried because I will most probably never run a marathon

I cried because I ate too much chocolate yesterday

I cried because I was frightened on Thursday as I had fluid retention.

I cried because I was fed up

I  cried because I want to be normal again

I cried because all this crap happened to me

I cried because it was sunny and I can’t sit out in it anymore

It was needed!  Hopefully I’ve now got it out of my system till the next time I have a meltdown!

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Today’s a bad day

So!  Today I’ve woken up in a lot of pain!  My legs are hurting, my boobs are, my teeth are, and I’ve got a headache!

I didn’t have to get up till 10am today!  But no – 6am and I was wide awake.

I know what’s up!  I’m going out this evening!  My old manager is retiring and we are off out for a posh meal!  And I know I will have a lovely time, but ever since I’ve been ill, my confidence is shot!  And I’m all of a dither about meeting up with people I haven’t seen for ages and being in a social situation again!  And having to stay awake past 9pm!

Completely and utterly stupid I know, but that’s me just now!

And the way I will cope with today!  My makeup will be as good as it gets, my hair – well not much I can say about my hair – I will make the most of it, and I will eat my way through today!  I did a quiz once that said I wasn’t an emotional eater!  Yeah right!!!
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A Bit About Me!

26th March 2017

Up until last October, I was quite normal!  I am married, we have one son, almost 2o years old.  I have a full time job which I love.  I try and eat healthy most of the time & I loved to – that was my thing!  I’d tried lots of other different things, but soon became bored – running is the only thing I’ve stuck with for so long (about 11 years now) .

Then bang!  My whole life was turned upside down!  I was admitted to hospital with water retention- I’d put on 20lb of fluid over the weekend, and figured I should get it checked out!   I was kept in to have a kidney biopsy to find out what was going wrong!  This all went to plan, but afterwards it wouldn’t stop bleeding! Three ops, and four days later, I had one kidney less, and the other one wasn’t working anymore & I was put on dialysis.    Had a couple of blood transfusions as I lost so much blood, and hubby was told a couple of times I wasn’t going to make it.

9 weeks later,  I’d had numerous infections, an allergic reaction to antibiotics which resulted in me getting Steven Johnsons syndrome (a life threatening skin condition which resulted in me shedding my skin), pneumonia, c-dif, I’d been in ICT, HDU, and several other wards in between.  I’d lost 2 stone in weight (as well as the 20lb fluid) , and lots of muscle wastage, could barely walk with out sticks, and I got to go home the day before Christmas Eve!

The last few months have been spent building my strength back up, and try to get back to normal.  I have now been diagnosed with Lupus, and am constantly at the hospital seeing one consultant or the other – they are treating me with kid gloves as I went through so much while in hospital.

And now I’m starting back to work, and trying to run again.

This blog  will be my ramblings – happy and sad,  my feelings and thoughts.

I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I’m going to enjoy writing them.

 

PS I’m not a writer, I’m not particularly witty or entertaining- and this could end up very boring – I’m just me 😊
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