Positivity! 

I read today that depression is one of the symptoms of Lupus!  And it stupidly made me feel better about it!  I have no idea why!  After all the stuff I’ve been through these last 8 months, it’s hardly surprising that it’s all caught up with me, and I need a bit of help to get my positivity back.  But I actually feel guilty for being depressed.  Things are finally starting to improve for me, and while I do have to still deal with the day to day problems, I am getting better at managing them, and my meds seem to be settling down and working now, so I should be as happy as a happy thing!  

But anyway!  That’s just my mixed up head!  

Another example of it – yesterday I told hubby that I’m actually grateful I went through what I did!  I follow a lot of Lupus sites, and so many people say they have trouble being diagnosed, and their doctors don’t take them seriously, and take forever to prescribe medication for them!  At least I was diagnosed very quickly as I was in hospital and they had to figure out what was up with me, and treat me!  

And another good thing – we are now off work for two weeks!  Hoping to get out and about a lot, build my legs up again, and hopefully – with not sitting down at my desk all day – lose a bit of weight too!

Hope you all have a good week

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Up and Down

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready.  I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed!  But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too.  And I’m then comfort eating.  I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative.  I’m a positive person,  I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful.  I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide.  Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer.  And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already!  I haven’t cried once all week.  

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months!  I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now! 

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now!   This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden!   I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!  
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!  
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!  

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable. 

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In a Proper Strop!

I’m in a proper strop with myself this weekend.  I’m not used to not being able to do everything and I’m struggling just now.
Before I went back to work, I’d got in to a nice routine – getting up early, doing some exercise, either strength training or power walking, doing a bit of housework, watching some quizzes on TV, and cooking healthy meals, and I felt good, and was getting stronger by the day, sleeping properly and generally happy.
But being back at work has completely floored me.  I’m shattered, especially now I’ve finished the phased return and am back full time.  I’m not doing any exercise, and I’m eating crap, and feel crap.  
Now I do know it’s going to get better, but it is so frustrating, and I’m feeling really fed up about it all.
But time to think positively!  I know I’m not ready to run yet, but the strength training was really helping – I’ve noticed my leg is a lot more painful since I’ve stopped, so I need to get back to doing that regularly.  

And I need to get back to eating healthily – so I’m going for a kick start!  This is my next three weeks.

  • No sweets
  • No cake
  • No chips
  • No white bread
  • No fast food
  • No chocolate
  • No ice cream
  • No crisps

I’ve made a nice big salad for lunch tomorrow, I have brown bread ready for my breakfast, and I have enough quick, healthy meals I can fall back on to get me through the next week.   They need to be quick so that I can do my exercises when I get in from work, and still eat before it gets too late.  
This is the plan anyway………
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My Secret Place!

I’ve been trying to work out why I started writing here!  I’m a FB addict, and put my life on there, or a lot of it anyway.  I love to share.  Everyone knew there was something up when I stopped posting for a few days and worried about me!  So why do I need to do it here too?

I think its because I need a secret place to tell my story, I haven’t told anyone I know about my blog, other than hubby, and only told him two days ago!

Some  of the things I have been through, and some of the things going on in my head – I’m not ready to share with my family and friends, they went through enough without me putting them through more.  Now don’t get me wrong, they are there for me, but I want to protect them I suppose.

They tell me little things about how they felt, and what they did, and I know how much they love me and worry about me and I want to protect them – so just for now – I’m not going to share my thoughts, some of which would get me sectioned, and I will continue posting here, telling my story, both the good and bad bits.

And continue to be shocked that people are already reading this!

 

Thank you for that 💙💙💙

Today I cried!

So today I cried, then I cried a bit more, and just in case I hadn’t cried enough – I cried some more

I cried because I was tired

I cried because my leg hurt

I cried because I’m struggling with work

I cried because I have Lupus

I cried because I will most probably never run a marathon

I cried because I ate too much chocolate yesterday

I cried because I was frightened on Thursday as I had fluid retention.

I cried because I was fed up

I  cried because I want to be normal again

I cried because all this crap happened to me

I cried because it was sunny and I can’t sit out in it anymore

It was needed!  Hopefully I’ve now got it out of my system till the next time I have a meltdown!

💙💙💙

Today’s a bad day

So!  Today I’ve woken up in a lot of pain!  My legs are hurting, my boobs are, my teeth are, and I’ve got a headache!

I didn’t have to get up till 10am today!  But no – 6am and I was wide awake.

I know what’s up!  I’m going out this evening!  My old manager is retiring and we are off out for a posh meal!  And I know I will have a lovely time, but ever since I’ve been ill, my confidence is shot!  And I’m all of a dither about meeting up with people I haven’t seen for ages and being in a social situation again!  And having to stay awake past 9pm!

Completely and utterly stupid I know, but that’s me just now!

And the way I will cope with today!  My makeup will be as good as it gets, my hair – well not much I can say about my hair – I will make the most of it, and I will eat my way through today!  I did a quiz once that said I wasn’t an emotional eater!  Yeah right!!!
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