Feeling sorry for myself

This is going to be a very wallowing in self pity post!

Feel free to skip it, and I will return to my normal positive self shortly.

So! I’m not well! I have a viral infection! And I feel like crap!

Now I don’t know if it’s the virus that’s so bad, or the Lupus that makes it worse, or the meds I’m on that make me more prone! Whatever the reason – I wish it would do one!

Started off last Wednesday with a sore throat, and went down hill rapidly from then.

A bit of background – Lupus is an autoimmune disease which means my body basically attacks itself, and I’m on really strong tablets to lower my immune system to protect my body a bit.

Unfortunately this means that I pick up anything & everything.

It’s currently 1am, and I’m lying in bed in pain!

Everything is hurting, and I mean everything! The worst pain is in my legs, my shins and ankles, and my hips! But my hands are bad too, and my shoulders.

When I stand up at the moment, my joints are in agony, and I have to stand for a minute or two for them to adjust to the new angle! I’m having to go up the stairs on all fours as my knees can’t support the weight while stepping!

I’m struggling to hold my phone, actually, I’m not holding it, it’s laying on my pillow & I’m typing with one finger.

On top of this, my throat is sore, it hurts to swallow! Although I have found that whole meal toast scratches my throat and gives me some relief! My nose is streaming! I’m doing a very good impression of Rudolph! And I have the most awful hacking cough! That alternates between making me sick and crying!

Been to the doctors and she’s signed me off work for 2 weeks! My chest is clear at the moment, but I’m to do deep breathing exercises to keep it that way! I have a slight temperature and a slightly inflamed throat. Nothing to risk a course of antibiotics just yet! I’ve just got to ride it out for now. Plenty of fluids, plenty of painkillers, plenty of rest!

I’ve got my normal bloods in the morning so that will put my mind to rest that it is just a virus and not a flare! I do know it’s not, but no harm in being sure!

I hate being ill so much, I hate not being able to have fun with hubby, or just enjoy being with him! Both of us work full time and are shattered when we get home, so our time together when we are awake is precious.

I hate being ill so much, I hate seeing the concern and worry in my sons eyes! He really struggled when I was bad, and he is so protective of me now!

I hate being ill so much, I hate worrying my mum & dad! They want to look after me, and they struggle with not being able to.

I hate being ill so much, I hate hearing my friends worry about me!

I hate being ill so much, I hate not being able to do things around home! I don’t do an awful lot anyway, but putting the extra pressure on hubby to look after me as well is horrible.

I hate being ill so much, I hate letting my boss down! I love my job, and enjoy it, and have a lot of responsibility & I can’t be there to get it done!

My dying swan act is still very raw for my close ones, and I know how difficult all this is for them.

The sooner I get over this, the better! So Doctors orders will be followed.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening! Normal service will resume shortly.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

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The best laid plans …..

Week 5

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

No weigh in

24000 steps

Floored this week. Wednesday afternoon I started with a sore throat, nothing much really, just a bit dry.

Thursday morning, just after midnight I woke up in agony! Literally everything hurt, my feet, my ankles, my shins, as well as all the normal bits that hurt daily, only so much worse. And my head! I have no words!

I honestly couldn’t lie or sit in any position as it hurt to touch anything, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Took the day off work and phoned my nephrologist who told me I needed to speak to my rheumatologist. He thought it was “just” a flu bug, rather than a flare, and told me to drink plenty, take regular pain killers – which I do anyway, and bed rest. If no better on Monday I should phone back. It was a relief to know they didn’t think it was a flare – that was freaking me a bit.

And that’s pretty much been me for the last 4 days.

I’ve stopped crying with the pain now at least, but it’s gone to my chest and my nose has kicked off today. But I slept last night, which is the best feeling.

So no weigh in, but I did sneak a peek on my scales, and I’m happy with how things are going, at least I haven’t had the energy to go off plan either.

I’m beginning to realise there’s more to this Lupus thing than I first thought. Yes, I know it’s serious, and I know it’s bad, and it’s going to effect my life, but I’ve had a couple of bugs in the last couple of months, and they have both completely floored me. Now I don’t know if that’s down to the Lupus, or the meds I’m on, or a combination of the both, but whatever it is, it’s not good, it’s getting me down, and really struggling to find the positive in all of this just now. I hate having no control, I hate not being to get up and fight through it, I hate having to give into it, I hate being unreliable.

Anyway – till next week ….

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

Leibster Award 2018

Well! To say I was shocked, and a little bit overwhelmed is an understatement! I don’t think I’ve ever been nominated for anything – especially not for my waffle!

Thank you so very much to The F Word, a great lady, and a great blog – a must read if you’re looking for inspiration!

The purpose of the award, which you are nominated for, is to encourage others to discover new blogs that they may find interesting & to congratulate other bloggers for their hard work and to share their blogs in order to boost traffic to their site – although I’m hardly going to boost much as I have very few followers πŸ˜‚

If you are nominated and accept, you then list 10 random facts about yourself, answer the questions asked by the blogger who nominated you, then nominate other bloggers that inspire you, and set questions for them to answer! I think that’s it anyway.

So here goes!

10 random facts!

  1. I hate doing lists about myself – I never think I can find enough interesting facts about me to do a list.
  2. I’ve been married 24 years and we have a 20 year old son. They are my life, and my support, and my inspiration.
  3. I’m the proud owner of just one kidney, after losing my other one when I was in hospital in 2016
  4. I’m a systems analyst and internal auditor – a very posh title for a spreadsheet geek! And I love my job.
  5. March 2018,I will have worked for the same company for 30 years
  6. I can’t drive
  7. I love food. So very much, which is why I’m the size I am now.
  8. I am stubborn. I don’t like anything getting the better of me.
  9. Im a positive soul, very annoyingly so sometimes, but it’s my stubborn streak & positivity that got me out of hospital alive so I’m not complaining
  10. I love running. It is my passion. I started in 2006,after never doing anything athletic or sporty in my life and I was hooked. It’s my escape from the real world, it’s my freedom, my thinking time, and I miss it so much.

Answers to the questions set!

1. What inspires you to blog about your chosen subject? In October 2016, I was seriously ill and my life changed forever. I spent 9 weeks in hospital doing a dying swan impression, and was finally diagnosed with Lupus. Putting down my thoughts & struggles & how I deal with all the crap, helps it all make sense to me.

2. How old would you choose to be if you didn’t know how old you are? I’m more than happy being 48 years old. I’ve always been happy with my age, as each different time brings with it something new to challenge me and enjoy.

3. If you had an opportunity to get a message across to a large audience, what would it be? Stay positive! Be as positive as you can! Always try to find that one positive! It’s got me through a lot of stuff with a smile on my face

4. What would you do differently if you knew no-one would judge you? I have no idea how to answer this one. I honestly don’t think I would do anything different.

5. Have you done anything lately worth remembering? I don’t lead a particularly exciting life, getting up every morning and going to work is exciting as it gets. And as I struggle with my memory now, it would be hard for me to remember anyway πŸ˜‚

6. If you could start all over again, would you? Definitely not. My life is what has made me into me, changing anything, no matter how small, could lead to so many things changing! Have you seen Back to the Future????

7. What activities make you lose all track of time? Running – without a doubt! I haven’t run properly for about 16 months, but that was always my escape. I am trying to get back to it, very slowly! I miss it so much!

8. If you had to teach me one thing, what would it be? Take each day as it comes. You truly don’t know what tomorrow will bring, so enjoy everything.

9. When was the last thing you tried something new? Recently I was talking to a friend who wants to be an internet sensation & I decided to give it a go too just to see what all the fuss was about. I now have over 700 followers on Instagram looking at pictures of my food. All very odd. And not something I think will last but long, but it’s a bit of fun at the moment.

10. Time or money? I would love more time, so I could live life at my speed, and enjoy my free time more.

And now for my nominations

The three ladies I’m nominating are all hugely inspirational. Each one started their blog as a health, fitness, weight loss blog, and all 3 have bared their souls, and it’s been a pleasure & delight reading about their struggles and successes and their feelings.

1. Β Lorn Pearson Trains…Β Β Β 

Lorn was the very first blog I discovered, before I knew what a blog was. I’ve really enjoyed following her life these last few years, and she has inspired me, and made me smile, and also made me cry a few time reading about her tough times

2. Rny4me.

Another truly inspirational lady. I’ve been following Michelle – such a lovely name – for about a year now. If memory serves me right, it was a year after her gastric bypass. It’s been wonderful getting to know her, and now following her training for a marathon.

3. Paula’s Weight loss Journey

Paula has only just recently started her blog, and I’ve only recently got to know her from work, and from following her amazing transformation through Facebook and Instagram. She is truly a beast. I’m really looking forward to getting to know her better.

And finally – 10 questions for my nominated few

1. Why did you start your blog?

2. What one thing would you change about your life if you could?

3. What makes you smile?

4. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

5. Favourite all time film?

6. What scares you?

7. Who is your hero?

8. Favourite season?

9. Cat or Dog

10. What are your long term goals?

Thank you ever so much for taking time to read this – very long – post, and for taking part.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I – surprisingly- did

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Recurring Dream

The last couple of weeks I’ve had the same dream, actually that’s not strictly true – they’ve been different dreams, but always had the same ending.

With the sound of a drill!

I know where this is coming from, but I have no idea why.

When I was in hospital, one of the things I remember is waking up hearing a drill, and I had no idea why, it just didn’t make sense, I knew I was in hospital, not a dentist, so where was it coming from?

Stupidly I asked!

Oh! We can’t get a line in anywhere so we are drilling through your shin!

Oh ok then! and that’s all I remember about that, I was out of it again.

When I did come round again, sure enough I had something sticking out of my leg. They didn’t end up using it, but it was there in case my veins crashed again.

So that’s where it’s coming from.

Why it’s started playing on my mind I don’t know.

After I’d been home for a few weeks, I wrote down all my experiences, and what had happened, the bits I remember, and the bits Hubby and Mum & Dad told me.

I’ve re-read this today, and the drilling is there, but just as an after thought, and only a line or two about it, so I figure it wasn’t that traumatic in comparison to everything else that happened.

So pretty much – I’m non the wiser.

Hopefully it’ll go away now I’ve shared it here, and I can go back to my normal wacky dreams.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

Slow week done!

Week 4

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

-1

23000 steps

Been a really slow week on all fronts this week. And was quite surprised to lose 1lb, didn’t feel like I’d put anywhere near enough effort into it.

Been crazy busy at work, month end! Which has meant long & odd hours, also means my brain doesn’t switch off properly so my sleep is poor too.

And I’m really not good with no sleep!

I’ve barely done any steps – a whole 20000 less than I have been doing.

I’ve stayed on track pretty much all week, up till Friday anyway.

Friday is breakfast day in work – I try and pick reasonably well – bacon and mushrooms on brown toast – and it’s the most perfect breakfast. But I don’t normally eat much else other than fruit for the rest of the day as it’s really filling.

This Friday though!!! Just after breakfast we got an email! Pizza for lunch! And I’m sorry – but I just can’t resist pizza, even if it is the day before weigh in.

3 slices later, and a chicken skewer – I was full.

I did feel guilty about it briefly, but it didn’t last long. Yes – I want to lose weight, but it’s got to be in a manageable way, in a way that I will enjoy, and in a way I will stick to, and if that means having pizza once a month in work – I will do it without guilt.

Here’s to a better next week!

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Instagram. #michelle1969

Trying to run again

The last few weekends I’ve been out ‘running’ and when I say running I actually mean power walking with a few attempts at a very slow jog.

The two times I’ve been out have been completely different experiences.

The first time was wonderful and magical and exciting.

I have always loved running with all my heart, and I have missed it so very much. Going out and actually putting a bit of speed into my walk was …… I don’t even have the words for how I felt – it was just so good! It reminded of how much I enjoy it, how free I feel, how all my troubles fall away! And I’ve got so many more now – running is needed.

I was on a high for the rest of the day.

The second time I went out – it was painful! Nothing felt right, my walking was off, and when I did attempt to jog, it actually felt like I’d forgotten how to run. My legs hurt, my chest was tight, even my neck and shoulders hurt.

It was horrible and I was so glad it was over. I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself!

It’s taken me a few days to write this as it really upset me – my running is the one thing I’m holding on to – in my mixed up head I think if I can run again everything will be better.

I know it won’t! And I know that I will never run again like I used to! But it still hurt knowing how far away I am from any normality.

Anyway – next weekend I will go out again! I need to get the feeling of the first time out back into my heart, not the second time.

I’m not one to say never, being a stubborn madam, so let’s just wait and see what happens next time.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

A Tough Week!

Week 3

15 stone 11lb.

3 stone 11lb to goal

-2.5

43000 steps

This has been a really tough week for a few reasons!

I think the previous week caught up on me and I was so very tired, and just a little bit run down!

Sunday evening my lips started tingling! A sure sign the dreaded coldsores were about to strike!

It’s been over 2 years since I’ve had 1, and I honestly believed I was done with them! But they reminded me with a vengeance I wasn’t!

Monday morning saw me wake with fat lips! 4 massive, stinging ugly cold sores, and I just wanted to cry!

All day I could feel them! It felt like I had flash lights on my lips, sending out this sign “everyone, come look at my horrible, infected mouth”

All week I’ve felt so down about them, they’re at the horrible scabby stage now when every time I knock them they bleed.

I just wish they would go away!

It’s stupid – the sh*t I’ve been through, and a scabby mouth almost floored me. But my confidence is really low at the moment, so it doesn’t take much to knock it out of me!

On top of this hubby has been working 10 hour days which has meant I’ve got home first, and made the lunches for the following day.

I never realised such a small thing could be that bit too much, the amount of energy it’s taken out of me to do that has been eye opening! 1 spoon too many obviously.

(For those that don’t know about spoonies – check out the spoon theory- it kind of makes sense!

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Anyway – all this has meant I’ve not made the best choices food wise! It’s not too been horrific, but not very nutritional either!

Breakfast & lunches have been fine, but teas have been something quick and easy, something on toast or a sandwich! Friday night I actually had hot cross buns for tea!

So I was more than happy with this weeks weight loss!

Next week I plan to be better!

This weekend has been lovely! I had SW cooked breakfast, and steak for tea yesterday. Even had jelly & custard dessert! Today it’s my favourite – a full roast dinner – SW friendly obviously. Also making soup for the week – I find taking some in with my lunch stops me snacking on syns.

Just got to keep at it for the week and I will be sorted.

And I’ve slept lots! Which was much needed.

Hubby isn’t working long hours either – so it’s all positive!

See you next week!

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

Breaking myself in gently!

Week 2.

15 stone 13.5lb.

3 stone 13.5lb to goal

-2lb

43000 steps

Well week 1 was a bit hit and miss, each day started off well & ended not so well!

My daily syns ranged from 13 to 33, most days being closer to the 30 than than the 13!

But it’s a starting point, and I’m happy with that.

The boss was up from London, and we were busy, so by the time I got home I had no brain power left, and although I had planned my meals for the week, I didn’t have the energy to convince myself to have them. My appraisal went well though. I hate appraisals, I hate having to talk about myself.

An added bit of support for me – Hubby went to the Doctor and they talked about losing weight as it’s getting him down so he’s now on track with me. Doctor has referred him to SW, but I think that’s most probably a step too far for him just now, he needs to work on that idea.

I’m so happy though – I do worry about him so much, and it will do him the world of good to lose some weight with me.

This week should be better. I’ve prepped lunches! We were supposed to be having minestrone soup, but it turned out a bit thick so we are now having vegetable pasta. Looks nice.

Teas are planned out, but it’s going to be a tough week as hubby is working late which means I will be cooking which is never successful.

But let’s see what the scales say.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram #michelle1969

It wasn’t pretty!

Week 1.

16stone 1.5lb.

4 stone 1.5lb to goal

15lb +.

48000 steps

Well I went! And it was as bad as I’d known it would be! 15lb on since I last went before Christmas!

But I was ok,

I never wobbled when I stepped on the scales

I never wobbled while I helped out with the newbies

I never wobbled as I sold the raffle tickets

And all was good!

Until our consultant came to me first, and started talking about what a tough couple of months I’d had!

I told her – don’t – I’ll cry, but hey ho! We are there to share, and I cried!

Rest of the class was fine, everyone had done well, and as always I was proud of them!

And I love seeing them all and having a natter!

Rest of the day was spent coming to terms with how far I’ve got to go, I’ve actually got to lose 12.5lb before I get back to my original start weight!

But I’m determined this time. I read something the other day that the main cause of death fir us Lupies is actually weight related issues, and I quite like living so the weight is coming off!

I’ve been out for a walk both days, today I even jogged for a bit, which was THE most amazing feeling!

Soup & lunches prepared for the week, evening meals planned!

This week will be a success!

Enjoy yours, whatever you’re up to!

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram #michelle1969

Obsessed with β€œon this day”!

I’m a bit of a FB addict, always have been, always will be, and this is a bit about that!

For those that don’t know, there’s a feature on there called “on this day”. Basically it shows you what you posted “on this day” over previous years.

And for the last few months I’ve become a bit obsessed with it! From about September last year I started checking it out, to see if there was any hint of what was to come, but no, there was nothing, not even particularly tired! I’d recently run a 10k, I was eating healthily, I was sleep well, work was good….

Then from October onwards I was checking what happened, a lot of my time in hospital was a blur so I was looking for clues. It didn’t help much as I went a bit FB awol! This is how a lot of my friends knew I was seriously ill – because I vanished!

After that I got to December and saw that I’d come home, and January I’ve been watching my progress.

Over the next few months I will be watching how I got stronger and returned back to work, and how I managed with that.

Then hopefully my obsession will fade a bit …..

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Instagram. #Michelle1969