The best laid plans …..

Week 5

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

No weigh in

24000 steps

Floored this week. Wednesday afternoon I started with a sore throat, nothing much really, just a bit dry.

Thursday morning, just after midnight I woke up in agony! Literally everything hurt, my feet, my ankles, my shins, as well as all the normal bits that hurt daily, only so much worse. And my head! I have no words!

I honestly couldn’t lie or sit in any position as it hurt to touch anything, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Took the day off work and phoned my nephrologist who told me I needed to speak to my rheumatologist. He thought it was “just” a flu bug, rather than a flare, and told me to drink plenty, take regular pain killers – which I do anyway, and bed rest. If no better on Monday I should phone back. It was a relief to know they didn’t think it was a flare – that was freaking me a bit.

And that’s pretty much been me for the last 4 days.

I’ve stopped crying with the pain now at least, but it’s gone to my chest and my nose has kicked off today. But I slept last night, which is the best feeling.

So no weigh in, but I did sneak a peek on my scales, and I’m happy with how things are going, at least I haven’t had the energy to go off plan either.

I’m beginning to realise there’s more to this Lupus thing than I first thought. Yes, I know it’s serious, and I know it’s bad, and it’s going to effect my life, but I’ve had a couple of bugs in the last couple of months, and they have both completely floored me. Now I don’t know if that’s down to the Lupus, or the meds I’m on, or a combination of the both, but whatever it is, it’s not good, it’s getting me down, and really struggling to find the positive in all of this just now. I hate having no control, I hate not being to get up and fight through it, I hate having to give into it, I hate being unreliable.

Anyway – till next week ….

💜💜💜💜

Instagram. #michelle1969

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A Tough Week!

Week 3

15 stone 11lb.

3 stone 11lb to goal

-2.5

43000 steps

This has been a really tough week for a few reasons!

I think the previous week caught up on me and I was so very tired, and just a little bit run down!

Sunday evening my lips started tingling! A sure sign the dreaded coldsores were about to strike!

It’s been over 2 years since I’ve had 1, and I honestly believed I was done with them! But they reminded me with a vengeance I wasn’t!

Monday morning saw me wake with fat lips! 4 massive, stinging ugly cold sores, and I just wanted to cry!

All day I could feel them! It felt like I had flash lights on my lips, sending out this sign “everyone, come look at my horrible, infected mouth”

All week I’ve felt so down about them, they’re at the horrible scabby stage now when every time I knock them they bleed.

I just wish they would go away!

It’s stupid – the sh*t I’ve been through, and a scabby mouth almost floored me. But my confidence is really low at the moment, so it doesn’t take much to knock it out of me!

On top of this hubby has been working 10 hour days which has meant I’ve got home first, and made the lunches for the following day.

I never realised such a small thing could be that bit too much, the amount of energy it’s taken out of me to do that has been eye opening! 1 spoon too many obviously.

(For those that don’t know about spoonies – check out the spoon theory- it kind of makes sense!

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Anyway – all this has meant I’ve not made the best choices food wise! It’s not too been horrific, but not very nutritional either!

Breakfast & lunches have been fine, but teas have been something quick and easy, something on toast or a sandwich! Friday night I actually had hot cross buns for tea!

So I was more than happy with this weeks weight loss!

Next week I plan to be better!

This weekend has been lovely! I had SW cooked breakfast, and steak for tea yesterday. Even had jelly & custard dessert! Today it’s my favourite – a full roast dinner – SW friendly obviously. Also making soup for the week – I find taking some in with my lunch stops me snacking on syns.

Just got to keep at it for the week and I will be sorted.

And I’ve slept lots! Which was much needed.

Hubby isn’t working long hours either – so it’s all positive!

See you next week!

💜💜💜💜

Instagram. #michelle1969

Week 1 didn’t go to plan!

Yesterday was bad!

I’ve not slept properly the last couple of nights as I’ve been stressy over a few things – work, my weight, my pains, so I was in a bit of a state!

I also knew I was going to have put over a stone on at weigh in, and knowing that I had to go and face up to that officially wasn’t helping with my mood.

Anyway – I got ready, went to wait for the bus and the stupid thing didn’t turn up! As I was going just for weigh in, I had no spare time to get there any other way so didn’t go.

We then went to our local beach, had breakfast, went for a walk for an hour, did a bit of shopping and came home

The beach is my calm place, I love being there! I took lots of pictures, breathed in the sea air, and thought lots.

And that’s when I cried!

I cried lots, I broke down. I just sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes. I cried it all out! I cried until there was nothing left.

I think I got it out of my system! I hope I got it out of my system! Till next time anyway! I do have a meltdown from time to time, and yesterday was one of those times.

Anyway – the rest of the week has been ok, my food had been reasonably good, and I’d got almost 40000 steps in. I’ve planned all of next week too. I’ve actually lost 8lb unofficially since last Tuesday so at least delaying the official one may go in my favour.

Until next week …..

💜💜💜💜

Instagram. #Michelle1969

Up and Down

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready.  I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed!  But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too.  And I’m then comfort eating.  I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative.  I’m a positive person,  I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful.  I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide.  Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer.  And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already!  I haven’t cried once all week.  

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months!  I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now! 

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now!   This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden!   I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!  
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!  
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!  

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable. 

💜💜💜

I have no words

Well actually I do now, but for the last two weeks I haven’t.  I have been struggling so much with everything that I’ve not even been able to write here – the safe place I started just to share my deepest feelings and emotions.

So!  I’ve been tired, so unbelievably tired, and two trips away to different offices has floored me!  I’ve been in pain with my joints, I’m struggling to walk up the stairs,  the side effects have kicked in with my new tablets giving me the most awful stomach pains, and upset tummy – not the nicest thing when away and visiting other people.   And the heat!!!  The heat is just unbearable!  And I hate that I can’t go and lie in the sun all day like I used to.  
And I am just so down.  And it’s hurting.  I am such a positive person normally, and I just haven’t got the energy just now.  I can’t exercise, my food has been awful, I’ve put weight on so all my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable. I’m  not sleeping properly, and I’m constantly crying.   My boss actually told one of the girls I was visiting to look after me as I’m not coping just now.    I’m a complete and utter basket case.  I know hubby is struggling with what to do for me too, as he’s never seen me like this, and it hurts that I’m hurting him, but I just can’t shake it.

I don’t remember ever feeling this down, even when I was in hospital for 9 weeks, I kept my positivity, and brightness.

I do know how far I’ve come, and how much better I am, but this just seems continuous, with no end in sight, and I honestly don’t want to do it anymore, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

I’ve spoken to my consultant, and she thinks it would be a good idea to have a course of anti depressants – my idea just to get me through the next few months, to get me out of this downward spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into – so I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor this week and hopefully things will start looking up soon.

Watch this space 💜💜💜

Today I cried!

So today I cried, then I cried a bit more, and just in case I hadn’t cried enough – I cried some more

I cried because I was tired

I cried because my leg hurt

I cried because I’m struggling with work

I cried because I have Lupus

I cried because I will most probably never run a marathon

I cried because I ate too much chocolate yesterday

I cried because I was frightened on Thursday as I had fluid retention.

I cried because I was fed up

I  cried because I want to be normal again

I cried because all this crap happened to me

I cried because it was sunny and I can’t sit out in it anymore

It was needed!  Hopefully I’ve now got it out of my system till the next time I have a meltdown!

💙💙💙