I have no words

Well actually I do now, but for the last two weeks I haven’t.  I have been struggling so much with everything that I’ve not even been able to write here – the safe place I started just to share my deepest feelings and emotions.

So!  I’ve been tired, so unbelievably tired, and two trips away to different offices has floored me!  I’ve been in pain with my joints, I’m struggling to walk up the stairs,  the side effects have kicked in with my new tablets giving me the most awful stomach pains, and upset tummy – not the nicest thing when away and visiting other people.   And the heat!!!  The heat is just unbearable!  And I hate that I can’t go and lie in the sun all day like I used to.  
And I am just so down.  And it’s hurting.  I am such a positive person normally, and I just haven’t got the energy just now.  I can’t exercise, my food has been awful, I’ve put weight on so all my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable. I’m  not sleeping properly, and I’m constantly crying.   My boss actually told one of the girls I was visiting to look after me as I’m not coping just now.    I’m a complete and utter basket case.  I know hubby is struggling with what to do for me too, as he’s never seen me like this, and it hurts that I’m hurting him, but I just can’t shake it.

I don’t remember ever feeling this down, even when I was in hospital for 9 weeks, I kept my positivity, and brightness.

I do know how far I’ve come, and how much better I am, but this just seems continuous, with no end in sight, and I honestly don’t want to do it anymore, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

I’ve spoken to my consultant, and she thinks it would be a good idea to have a course of anti depressants – my idea just to get me through the next few months, to get me out of this downward spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into – so I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor this week and hopefully things will start looking up soon.

Watch this space πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Lessons Learnt

I’ve been reading a couple of “Celebrity” books lately!  Celebrities sharing their struggles & how they’ve coped with certain things in their lives, and a few things have struck a chord! 

The first one – don’t judge people, don’t comment on something you don’t like, if you don’t like it, keep your thoughts to yourself!    You don’t know how that person is feeling,  and a negative comment from you could be really hurtful!   

Now I’m not one to comment very often, I know I would be distraught if someone said something horrible to me, but in my mind, the thoughts are there sometimes.

And I remembered this when I was travelling to work today.  I saw a young lady, dressed very smartly, wearing a trouser suit – and shiny silver brogues!  And my first thought wasn’t very nice.  But I pulled myself up about it, and thought differently.  Actually – good on her for liking something out of the ordinary, and for having the confidence to wear them.

The second one – pay people random compliments – it’s a nice thing to do, and will make you smile, as well as the person you are complimenting hopefully.    This one I’m going to do more often, I like this idea very much.

And the third one – love your body!  Not in a superficial way, not how it looks, or how clothes look on you – although if you’re happy with this, then go for it.  But in a deeper way, love how your body works, what it does on a daily basis, how it adapts to all the different things you throw at it, how it copes with illnesses, and operations, and pregnancies.  How it gets you through bad choices – when you neglect it, and eat rubbish, or smoke or drink. 

I felt like this a few years ago, when I watched how amazingly my body healed after having an operation, how I grew stronger every day, and got back to my running, and back to normal.  I have however forgotten how amazing it is recently, feeling quite sad about what I can’t do just now, and I need to remember what I have been through and how much progress I have made.  
One of the suggestions was to write a letter entitled “Dear Body….”  and write down exactly what you are thankful for!   That might just be my next post ….

Until then – be nice, be happy, and share the positives.
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Walking before I can run! Β Literally!Β 

So this weekend I’ve finally come to terms with not being ready to start running again!

I was struggling with the C25K while I was still off work, but now I’m back – its way too much.  It had taken me 7 weeks to get to week 3 on the program.

This last weekend, I’ve done nothing!  We went for a walk to my happy place on Friday (the seaside) and that’s all!  The rest of the weekend, I’ve slept, eaten, and watched TV.  And that’s after 4 weeks back at work part time.  It’s just going to get harder – it’s my first week back full time next week!

I’ve also got the added extra that my leg is dodgy, and I’m not sure I should be running with my tender kidney!

I’ve got my first appointment with neurology on 29th April – so will hopefully have some sort of idea what’s up with my leg after that, and I’ve got my next appointment with Nephrology on 9th May – so will ask then if I can actually try running again.

Until then – I’m going to concentrate on getting back to work, and if I have any energy I will do some strength training as that was helping when I was doing it regularly.

I’m also going to be as good as gold with my food – no emotional eating just because I want to run.

And I will try really, really hard to control my running envy and not snarl at the runners going past my window!
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My Secret Place!

I’ve been trying to work out why I started writing here!  I’m a FB addict, and put my life on there, or a lot of it anyway.  I love to share.  Everyone knew there was something up when I stopped posting for a few days and worried about me!  So why do I need to do it here too?

I think its because I need a secret place to tell my story, I haven’t told anyone I know about my blog, other than hubby, and only told him two days ago!

Some  of the things I have been through, and some of the things going on in my head – I’m not ready to share with my family and friends, they went through enough without me putting them through more.  Now don’t get me wrong, they are there for me, but I want to protect them I suppose.

They tell me little things about how they felt, and what they did, and I know how much they love me and worry about me and I want to protect them – so just for now – I’m not going to share my thoughts, some of which would get me sectioned, and I will continue posting here, telling my story, both the good and bad bits.

And continue to be shocked that people are already reading this!

 

Thank you for that πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™