Weird Dream!Β 

I don’t dream often!  Or at least I don’t remember my dreams!  But just lately I’ve been having some really odd ones! I’m in places I haven’t been to for a long time, I’m with people who I haven’t seen – or thought about for years!  And they are completely mixed up – people in places that aren’t connected.   People in places I visited before I even knew these people!  

Last night was by far the oddest though!  It woke me up!  Frightened!  

Hubby was digging a hole in the garden – to plant a bush I have that’s outgrown it’s pot!  And he came up to tell me he’d found a body!  And what should we do!   I looked towards the hole, and there’s a Sindy doll filling in the hole, fixing the broken plant pot, and placing it back on top of the hole!  

I said to Hubby “that’s our answer – just leave well alone”. 

I do actually know where all the separate bits come from, just not sure how I got them all together in my head

The plant – it does need repotting

The body – too many thrillers on TV

The doll – an advert on TV & dolls freak me out at the best of times!

If there’s anyone out there who knows what dreams mean …..  

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Positivity!Β 

I read today that depression is one of the symptoms of Lupus!  And it stupidly made me feel better about it!  I have no idea why!  After all the stuff I’ve been through these last 8 months, it’s hardly surprising that it’s all caught up with me, and I need a bit of help to get my positivity back.  But I actually feel guilty for being depressed.  Things are finally starting to improve for me, and while I do have to still deal with the day to day problems, I am getting better at managing them, and my meds seem to be settling down and working now, so I should be as happy as a happy thing!  

But anyway!  That’s just my mixed up head!  

Another example of it – yesterday I told hubby that I’m actually grateful I went through what I did!  I follow a lot of Lupus sites, and so many people say they have trouble being diagnosed, and their doctors don’t take them seriously, and take forever to prescribe medication for them!  At least I was diagnosed very quickly as I was in hospital and they had to figure out what was up with me, and treat me!  

And another good thing – we are now off work for two weeks!  Hoping to get out and about a lot, build my legs up again, and hopefully – with not sitting down at my desk all day – lose a bit of weight too!

Hope you all have a good week

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Up and Down

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready.  I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed!  But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too.  And I’m then comfort eating.  I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative.  I’m a positive person,  I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful.  I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide.  Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer.  And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already!  I haven’t cried once all week.  

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months!  I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now! 

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now!   This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden!   I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!  
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!  
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!  

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable. 

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

I have no words

Well actually I do now, but for the last two weeks I haven’t.  I have been struggling so much with everything that I’ve not even been able to write here – the safe place I started just to share my deepest feelings and emotions.

So!  I’ve been tired, so unbelievably tired, and two trips away to different offices has floored me!  I’ve been in pain with my joints, I’m struggling to walk up the stairs,  the side effects have kicked in with my new tablets giving me the most awful stomach pains, and upset tummy – not the nicest thing when away and visiting other people.   And the heat!!!  The heat is just unbearable!  And I hate that I can’t go and lie in the sun all day like I used to.  
And I am just so down.  And it’s hurting.  I am such a positive person normally, and I just haven’t got the energy just now.  I can’t exercise, my food has been awful, I’ve put weight on so all my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable. I’m  not sleeping properly, and I’m constantly crying.   My boss actually told one of the girls I was visiting to look after me as I’m not coping just now.    I’m a complete and utter basket case.  I know hubby is struggling with what to do for me too, as he’s never seen me like this, and it hurts that I’m hurting him, but I just can’t shake it.

I don’t remember ever feeling this down, even when I was in hospital for 9 weeks, I kept my positivity, and brightness.

I do know how far I’ve come, and how much better I am, but this just seems continuous, with no end in sight, and I honestly don’t want to do it anymore, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

I’ve spoken to my consultant, and she thinks it would be a good idea to have a course of anti depressants – my idea just to get me through the next few months, to get me out of this downward spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into – so I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor this week and hopefully things will start looking up soon.

Watch this space πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Lessons Learnt

I’ve been reading a couple of “Celebrity” books lately!  Celebrities sharing their struggles & how they’ve coped with certain things in their lives, and a few things have struck a chord! 

The first one – don’t judge people, don’t comment on something you don’t like, if you don’t like it, keep your thoughts to yourself!    You don’t know how that person is feeling,  and a negative comment from you could be really hurtful!   

Now I’m not one to comment very often, I know I would be distraught if someone said something horrible to me, but in my mind, the thoughts are there sometimes.

And I remembered this when I was travelling to work today.  I saw a young lady, dressed very smartly, wearing a trouser suit – and shiny silver brogues!  And my first thought wasn’t very nice.  But I pulled myself up about it, and thought differently.  Actually – good on her for liking something out of the ordinary, and for having the confidence to wear them.

The second one – pay people random compliments – it’s a nice thing to do, and will make you smile, as well as the person you are complimenting hopefully.    This one I’m going to do more often, I like this idea very much.

And the third one – love your body!  Not in a superficial way, not how it looks, or how clothes look on you – although if you’re happy with this, then go for it.  But in a deeper way, love how your body works, what it does on a daily basis, how it adapts to all the different things you throw at it, how it copes with illnesses, and operations, and pregnancies.  How it gets you through bad choices – when you neglect it, and eat rubbish, or smoke or drink. 

I felt like this a few years ago, when I watched how amazingly my body healed after having an operation, how I grew stronger every day, and got back to my running, and back to normal.  I have however forgotten how amazing it is recently, feeling quite sad about what I can’t do just now, and I need to remember what I have been through and how much progress I have made.  
One of the suggestions was to write a letter entitled “Dear Body….”  and write down exactly what you are thankful for!   That might just be my next post ….

Until then – be nice, be happy, and share the positives.
πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

Walking before I can run! Β Literally!Β 

So this weekend I’ve finally come to terms with not being ready to start running again!

I was struggling with the C25K while I was still off work, but now I’m back – its way too much.  It had taken me 7 weeks to get to week 3 on the program.

This last weekend, I’ve done nothing!  We went for a walk to my happy place on Friday (the seaside) and that’s all!  The rest of the weekend, I’ve slept, eaten, and watched TV.  And that’s after 4 weeks back at work part time.  It’s just going to get harder – it’s my first week back full time next week!

I’ve also got the added extra that my leg is dodgy, and I’m not sure I should be running with my tender kidney!

I’ve got my first appointment with neurology on 29th April – so will hopefully have some sort of idea what’s up with my leg after that, and I’ve got my next appointment with Nephrology on 9th May – so will ask then if I can actually try running again.

Until then – I’m going to concentrate on getting back to work, and if I have any energy I will do some strength training as that was helping when I was doing it regularly.

I’m also going to be as good as gold with my food – no emotional eating just because I want to run.

And I will try really, really hard to control my running envy and not snarl at the runners going past my window!
πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

My Secret Place!

I’ve been trying to work out why I started writing here!  I’m a FB addict, and put my life on there, or a lot of it anyway.  I love to share.  Everyone knew there was something up when I stopped posting for a few days and worried about me!  So why do I need to do it here too?

I think its because I need a secret place to tell my story, I haven’t told anyone I know about my blog, other than hubby, and only told him two days ago!

Some  of the things I have been through, and some of the things going on in my head – I’m not ready to share with my family and friends, they went through enough without me putting them through more.  Now don’t get me wrong, they are there for me, but I want to protect them I suppose.

They tell me little things about how they felt, and what they did, and I know how much they love me and worry about me and I want to protect them – so just for now – I’m not going to share my thoughts, some of which would get me sectioned, and I will continue posting here, telling my story, both the good and bad bits.

And continue to be shocked that people are already reading this!

 

Thank you for that πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™