Why the Fluff do I do it??

I’m there again!

Fat and frumpy and fed up!

The last few weeks I’ve not been feeling it at all!

I’ve struggled with staying on plan, I’ve skipped classes, I’ve ate my way through days, with more rubbish than I care to admit to!

And the last couple of days I’ve cried.

None of my clothes fit me again, not even my fat clothes, everything is tight, my back is cut because my bra strap is digging in to me & my tummy has scratches from my waist band! My security blanket cardigans are being worn constantly, even at the weekends now!

And I’m in so much pain, my pain is bad anyway, but it just gets so much worse when I put on even more weight! I’ve just got myself a foldaway walking stick because some evenings when I’m on my way home, I just haven’t got the strength to do the 15 minute walk, and it’s quite scary, so figured if I had a bit of support in my bag I might feel a bit better.

And to make myself feel better? I eat more crap!

I truly don’t know what to do to break this cycle, I know I have to, but I’m not quite low enough to actually do it.

I had my antidepressants upped in the week, so I’m hoping that once they kick in I will feel better about myself, and get back on track.

I’ve always been honest about my food, writing everything down, even my bad days, but I’m not even doing that at the moment. Maybe that’s what I need to do.

I’m going for one day at a time! Tomorrow I will write everything! I have my breakfast and lunch planned. And my snacks. I also have enough meals planned for the evenings for the week, so I just have to not eat extras, and I will have a few days of success.

I know I’m also ruining hubby’s weight loss. He has been brilliant, and lost over 2 stone, and I keep leading him astray, and he doesn’t need that.

Hopefully next week will be a more positive tale.

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Travels Done

No weigh in this week – I will get to that later!

I’ve been completely off plan! I was in Paris with work! Had the most amazing time! Felt a lot more comfortable with everyone and actually asked questions, and didn’t mind talking out loud – with the Dream Team anyway – I kept quiet when the guests were there – but that’s a work in progress! Learnt lots too, and also had it confirmed in my mind that I still have an awful lot still to find out.

Food was gorgeous. We never moved out of the hotel, ate, worked and slept there. All meals were buffet based. Breakfast was very continental. Cold meats, cheeses, pastries, yoghurts & fruit. As well as a cooked breakfast of sorts. Lunch and tea was lots of fish, and shell fish for starters, prawns, salmon, tuna, mackerel, squid, as well as oysters & muscles – although I kept away from them! Main meals – more fish, but also meat, veg & roasties, which I had. And then a yummy dessert.

Three very long days! We met for breakfast at 8am, and finished tea at about 10pm.

I was knackered when I got home, and booked Friday off! I really didn’t have the energy & my pains had well and truly kicked off. 3 days spent sat on the settee in agony taking an awful lot of pain killers. Brain fog has been awful too. I’m half way through saying something and I forget what I was saying. I go to do something and have to ask Hubby what it was I wanted to do.

Which is why there was no weigh in, I just couldn’t make it this week.

Food has been pretty bad this weekend too, I’m going with the excuse that I needed lots of stodge for energy but in all honesty I just didn’t have the motivation to think.

Tomorrow I’m back on track! I’m doing extra easy SP which is. Kick start! Got to lose this bloated feeling and motivate myself a bit. I’m in a proper rut. I think it’s got a lot to do with being fed up with all the pain too, but ,in the back of my mind I think the extra weight isn’t helping.

Well and truly all over the place just now!

Anyway – I’m going to see my doctor on Wednesday to talk about pain management and possibly up my antidepressants -they’re having a hard time keeping me happy just now.

And hopefully things will settle down a bit.

Hope you’re all doing well

Till next week

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Mixed Bag!

Week 8

15 stone 7.5lb.

3 stone 7.5lb to goal

0.5lb loss

37000 steps

Bit of a mixed week! I had good and bad days with my food. I was either exceptionally good or exceptionally bad.

I’m struggling with my pain just now, most days I’m in agony, I’m taking lots of pain killers, and feeling sorry for myself. And I’ve always been an emotional eater, so I’ve been picking. But deep down I really wanted a good week, which is why the good days have happened.

I’m happy with 1/2lb loss! Yes, I wanted more, but I’m beginning to realise that this is going to be a slow and steady journey. I’ve got too many other things going on to want to focus just on eating healthy.

I will be good as much as possible, and I will try and make good choices as often as I can, but if I have a bad time, I’m not going to stress about it. I’ve also made an appointment with my Doctor to discuss pain management & might ask about upping my anti depressants too. I’ve got the best support team though and they know what to do to make things better.

Anyway – other stuff! I had my 30 year work anniversary on Wednesday! It doesn’t feel like 30 years. I’ve been genuinely happy there, I’ve learnt so much, and grown so much. And I work with some of the most wonderful people. They have me, they look out for me, they are there for me, they are my family. And I wouldn’t want to work anywhere else.

I’ve had a moment too! I’ve been dying my own hair for as long as I can remember- I have grey hair to cover – but recently I’ve been going lighter, and have ended up blonde. They didn’t have my normal colour this month so I bought a bleach blonde! And jeez! It worked! Not sure I like it, it’s a bit yellow, but I’ve got lots of purple shampoo that apparently strips the yellow out so fingers crossed.

I’m away with work next week, I’m going to Paris. I love going away, I really do, but I’m tired and sore, and I’m not looking forward to it this time! I’ve also got my confidence & anxiety issues that don’t help! I’ll be fine once I get there, it will fly by, and I will learn lots, but just need to get to Tuesday first.

So! Till next week in my muxed up world……

Much love

Instagram. #michelle1969

Back on Track! From tomorrow!

Week 7

15 stone 8lb.

3 stone 8lb to goal

2lb loss

27000 steps

Well I went to class, really didn’t want to as I’d slept badly and was in a lot of pain, but I’d worked myself up to going, so off I went.

It was lovely seeing everyone again, they really are a nice bunch, all very friendly & supportive, and know I will make some good friends.

I lost 2lb, and I was so annoyed with myself. I’d wanted to lose 7lb so that I was back to my start weight, and I could have done it if I’d behaved myself this last week! But no! I’m my own worst enemy.

I was tired this week, it was a struggle going back in after being off for nearly 3 weeks, and it was month end, so always odd hours. Thursday I could barely move, everything was hurting so much, but luckily I could work from home, and cry on my own.

Excuses I know, but it’s meant poor food choices, I haven’t had the energy to think, and I’ve wanted comfort food.

Today – I’m off plan! Sort of anyway. We’ve been out for breakfast, had a lovely fry up! And I have hot cross buns for later.

Tomorrow will be another day, I will get over my strop, and get back on track properly. Lovely roast dinner with lots of veg. and SW roasties, my favourite meal ever.

And I’ve got soup prepared for lunches next week, just need to actually get them out of the freezer.

I’ve bought a countdown, so I’m signed up for the next 12 weeks at least.

I just need to stay positive.

Much love

Instagram. #michelle1969

Slow week done!

Week 4

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

-1

23000 steps

Been a really slow week on all fronts this week. And was quite surprised to lose 1lb, didn’t feel like I’d put anywhere near enough effort into it.

Been crazy busy at work, month end! Which has meant long & odd hours, also means my brain doesn’t switch off properly so my sleep is poor too.

And I’m really not good with no sleep!

I’ve barely done any steps – a whole 20000 less than I have been doing.

I’ve stayed on track pretty much all week, up till Friday anyway.

Friday is breakfast day in work – I try and pick reasonably well – bacon and mushrooms on brown toast – and it’s the most perfect breakfast. But I don’t normally eat much else other than fruit for the rest of the day as it’s really filling.

This Friday though!!! Just after breakfast we got an email! Pizza for lunch! And I’m sorry – but I just can’t resist pizza, even if it is the day before weigh in.

3 slices later, and a chicken skewer – I was full.

I did feel guilty about it briefly, but it didn’t last long. Yes – I want to lose weight, but it’s got to be in a manageable way, in a way that I will enjoy, and in a way I will stick to, and if that means having pizza once a month in work – I will do it without guilt.

Here’s to a better next week!

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Instagram. #michelle1969

A Tough Week!

Week 3

15 stone 11lb.

3 stone 11lb to goal

-2.5

43000 steps

This has been a really tough week for a few reasons!

I think the previous week caught up on me and I was so very tired, and just a little bit run down!

Sunday evening my lips started tingling! A sure sign the dreaded coldsores were about to strike!

It’s been over 2 years since I’ve had 1, and I honestly believed I was done with them! But they reminded me with a vengeance I wasn’t!

Monday morning saw me wake with fat lips! 4 massive, stinging ugly cold sores, and I just wanted to cry!

All day I could feel them! It felt like I had flash lights on my lips, sending out this sign “everyone, come look at my horrible, infected mouth”

All week I’ve felt so down about them, they’re at the horrible scabby stage now when every time I knock them they bleed.

I just wish they would go away!

It’s stupid – the sh*t I’ve been through, and a scabby mouth almost floored me. But my confidence is really low at the moment, so it doesn’t take much to knock it out of me!

On top of this hubby has been working 10 hour days which has meant I’ve got home first, and made the lunches for the following day.

I never realised such a small thing could be that bit too much, the amount of energy it’s taken out of me to do that has been eye opening! 1 spoon too many obviously.

(For those that don’t know about spoonies – check out the spoon theory- it kind of makes sense!

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Anyway – all this has meant I’ve not made the best choices food wise! It’s not too been horrific, but not very nutritional either!

Breakfast & lunches have been fine, but teas have been something quick and easy, something on toast or a sandwich! Friday night I actually had hot cross buns for tea!

So I was more than happy with this weeks weight loss!

Next week I plan to be better!

This weekend has been lovely! I had SW cooked breakfast, and steak for tea yesterday. Even had jelly & custard dessert! Today it’s my favourite – a full roast dinner – SW friendly obviously. Also making soup for the week – I find taking some in with my lunch stops me snacking on syns.

Just got to keep at it for the week and I will be sorted.

And I’ve slept lots! Which was much needed.

Hubby isn’t working long hours either – so it’s all positive!

See you next week!

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Instagram. #michelle1969

Breaking myself in gently!

Week 2.

15 stone 13.5lb.

3 stone 13.5lb to goal

-2lb

43000 steps

Well week 1 was a bit hit and miss, each day started off well & ended not so well!

My daily syns ranged from 13 to 33, most days being closer to the 30 than than the 13!

But it’s a starting point, and I’m happy with that.

The boss was up from London, and we were busy, so by the time I got home I had no brain power left, and although I had planned my meals for the week, I didn’t have the energy to convince myself to have them. My appraisal went well though. I hate appraisals, I hate having to talk about myself.

An added bit of support for me – Hubby went to the Doctor and they talked about losing weight as it’s getting him down so he’s now on track with me. Doctor has referred him to SW, but I think that’s most probably a step too far for him just now, he needs to work on that idea.

I’m so happy though – I do worry about him so much, and it will do him the world of good to lose some weight with me.

This week should be better. I’ve prepped lunches! We were supposed to be having minestrone soup, but it turned out a bit thick so we are now having vegetable pasta. Looks nice.

Teas are planned out, but it’s going to be a tough week as hubby is working late which means I will be cooking which is never successful.

But let’s see what the scales say.

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Instagram #michelle1969

It wasn’t pretty!

Week 1.

16stone 1.5lb.

4 stone 1.5lb to goal

15lb +.

48000 steps

Well I went! And it was as bad as I’d known it would be! 15lb on since I last went before Christmas!

But I was ok,

I never wobbled when I stepped on the scales

I never wobbled while I helped out with the newbies

I never wobbled as I sold the raffle tickets

And all was good!

Until our consultant came to me first, and started talking about what a tough couple of months I’d had!

I told her – don’t – I’ll cry, but hey ho! We are there to share, and I cried!

Rest of the class was fine, everyone had done well, and as always I was proud of them!

And I love seeing them all and having a natter!

Rest of the day was spent coming to terms with how far I’ve got to go, I’ve actually got to lose 12.5lb before I get back to my original start weight!

But I’m determined this time. I read something the other day that the main cause of death fir us Lupies is actually weight related issues, and I quite like living so the weight is coming off!

I’ve been out for a walk both days, today I even jogged for a bit, which was THE most amazing feeling!

Soup & lunches prepared for the week, evening meals planned!

This week will be a success!

Enjoy yours, whatever you’re up to!

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Instagram #michelle1969

Week 1 didn’t go to plan!

Yesterday was bad!

I’ve not slept properly the last couple of nights as I’ve been stressy over a few things – work, my weight, my pains, so I was in a bit of a state!

I also knew I was going to have put over a stone on at weigh in, and knowing that I had to go and face up to that officially wasn’t helping with my mood.

Anyway – I got ready, went to wait for the bus and the stupid thing didn’t turn up! As I was going just for weigh in, I had no spare time to get there any other way so didn’t go.

We then went to our local beach, had breakfast, went for a walk for an hour, did a bit of shopping and came home

The beach is my calm place, I love being there! I took lots of pictures, breathed in the sea air, and thought lots.

And that’s when I cried!

I cried lots, I broke down. I just sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes. I cried it all out! I cried until there was nothing left.

I think I got it out of my system! I hope I got it out of my system! Till next time anyway! I do have a meltdown from time to time, and yesterday was one of those times.

Anyway – the rest of the week has been ok, my food had been reasonably good, and I’d got almost 40000 steps in. I’ve planned all of next week too. I’ve actually lost 8lb unofficially since last Tuesday so at least delaying the official one may go in my favour.

Until next week …..

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Instagram. #Michelle1969

It’s been a while!

3 months to be precise!

It’s been a strange few months, and I’ve struggled with it. Trying to get my meds right, and finding the right balance between doing things, and sleeping.

Everything had taken a bit of a back step while I’ve been getting my head together, and I’m now suffering with the extra weight I’ve put on.

But I do feel ready to take control of that again. It’s time to start eating properly, lose weight and get as fit as I can.

Ultimately it’s going to make my life easier, and the Lupus more manageable so it’s got to be worth it, and this time it’s more than just vanity.

I’m going to need lots of support, so I plan on using my blog to write up my weekly ups and downs. My weekly weight loss – fingers crossed, my weekly steps, how I’m feeling, my good and bad days – things like that!

I’m also going to give my all to Slimming World. I go to weigh in every Saturday, and stay to class, so it will be every Sunday I do my update here.

I’m going to be as positive as I can about this, and that should bring about the results I want.

My first weigh in is next Saturday so until then…..

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