Up and Down

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready.  I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed!  But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too.  And I’m then comfort eating.  I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative.  I’m a positive person,  I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful.  I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide.  Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer.  And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already!  I haven’t cried once all week.  

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months!  I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now! 

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now!   This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden!   I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!  
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!  
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!  

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable. 

💜💜💜

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Today I cried!

So today I cried, then I cried a bit more, and just in case I hadn’t cried enough – I cried some more

I cried because I was tired

I cried because my leg hurt

I cried because I’m struggling with work

I cried because I have Lupus

I cried because I will most probably never run a marathon

I cried because I ate too much chocolate yesterday

I cried because I was frightened on Thursday as I had fluid retention.

I cried because I was fed up

I  cried because I want to be normal again

I cried because all this crap happened to me

I cried because it was sunny and I can’t sit out in it anymore

It was needed!  Hopefully I’ve now got it out of my system till the next time I have a meltdown!

💙💙💙