Trying to run again

The last few weekends I’ve been out ‘running’ and when I say running I actually mean power walking with a few attempts at a very slow jog.

The two times I’ve been out have been completely different experiences.

The first time was wonderful and magical and exciting.

I have always loved running with all my heart, and I have missed it so very much. Going out and actually putting a bit of speed into my walk was …… I don’t even have the words for how I felt – it was just so good! It reminded of how much I enjoy it, how free I feel, how all my troubles fall away! And I’ve got so many more now – running is needed.

I was on a high for the rest of the day.

The second time I went out – it was painful! Nothing felt right, my walking was off, and when I did attempt to jog, it actually felt like I’d forgotten how to run. My legs hurt, my chest was tight, even my neck and shoulders hurt.

It was horrible and I was so glad it was over. I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself!

It’s taken me a few days to write this as it really upset me – my running is the one thing I’m holding on to – in my mixed up head I think if I can run again everything will be better.

I know it won’t! And I know that I will never run again like I used to! But it still hurt knowing how far away I am from any normality.

Anyway – next weekend I will go out again! I need to get the feeling of the first time out back into my heart, not the second time.

I’m not one to say never, being a stubborn madam, so let’s just wait and see what happens next time.

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Instagram. #michelle1969

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It wasn’t pretty!

Week 1.

16stone 1.5lb.

4 stone 1.5lb to goal

15lb +.

48000 steps

Well I went! And it was as bad as I’d known it would be! 15lb on since I last went before Christmas!

But I was ok,

I never wobbled when I stepped on the scales

I never wobbled while I helped out with the newbies

I never wobbled as I sold the raffle tickets

And all was good!

Until our consultant came to me first, and started talking about what a tough couple of months I’d had!

I told her – don’t – I’ll cry, but hey ho! We are there to share, and I cried!

Rest of the class was fine, everyone had done well, and as always I was proud of them!

And I love seeing them all and having a natter!

Rest of the day was spent coming to terms with how far I’ve got to go, I’ve actually got to lose 12.5lb before I get back to my original start weight!

But I’m determined this time. I read something the other day that the main cause of death fir us Lupies is actually weight related issues, and I quite like living so the weight is coming off!

I’ve been out for a walk both days, today I even jogged for a bit, which was THE most amazing feeling!

Soup & lunches prepared for the week, evening meals planned!

This week will be a success!

Enjoy yours, whatever you’re up to!

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Instagram #michelle1969

Putting my Goals Out There!Β 

I’m struggling with sticking to a proper & regular exercise plan, so I’m declaring my goals publically in the hope that being accountable will make me shift myself.
So my goals for this week

  1. To do 30 minutes of exercise ever day – except Saturday
  2. To stick with in my calorie allowance

I’m just doing this week by week, one week at a time for now, till I get back into a routine

Benefits

  1. I will be happier
  2. I will sleep better
  3. I will like my legs again
  4. I won’t be in so much pain
  5. I will lose weight 
  6. I will tone up
  7. I will be happier – this one needs mentioning twice as it’s the most important one, and exercise does make me so much happier.

I will let you know next week how I got on.

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Crazy week done and dusted!

I am so glad this week is over, it’s all been a bit of a blur.

Work was crazy, covering for my boss while he was on holiday, training a new member of staff by phone, as she’s based in an office the other end of the country, and trying to get everything up to date before I finished on Friday for a week off.

All that on top of a few hospital appointments, several tests, several lots of bloods taken, a flu jab, and a pneumonia jab, all in preparation for me starting a new medication they want to try me with.

Had a few wobbly moments – Tuesday mainly,  when I spent all day crying and feeling sorry for myself, my tablets all feel quite settled just now so why are they messing about with them, why can’t they just leave me alone, I wish it would all just go away and I could be normal again!  

Wednesday I was very tired as I hadn’t slept well, but gave myself a good talking to – it’s happening, get over it, and get on with it, no point being miserable too.  Positive thought helped along with eating my way through the day.

So the rest of the week was much happier, got everything I needed to do done, and this morning I’ve spent being pampered by my most wonderful hairdresser who I love.  

An hour with him, and I feel calm, relaxed, and gorgeous (this is a very rare feeling for me, and normally only happens after my 6 weekly appointment).  I have been trying to grow my hair, and it’s just not happening, it’s been looking scraggly and messy, so now back to short, and styled, and dyed a lot lighter than normal.  A new me for the summer.

Oh and I nearly forgot!  Doc said I can start running again, as long as I’m sensible and build back up gradually doing the walk/run C25K, so I’m going to try and see how that goes over the next week.

Looking forward to our week off, nothing much planned, just going to go out for days locally, and relax.  Might try a different type of blog and just show lots of pics rather than rambling on for hours.

Enjoy your weekends 
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Walking before I can run! Β Literally!Β 

So this weekend I’ve finally come to terms with not being ready to start running again!

I was struggling with the C25K while I was still off work, but now I’m back – its way too much.  It had taken me 7 weeks to get to week 3 on the program.

This last weekend, I’ve done nothing!  We went for a walk to my happy place on Friday (the seaside) and that’s all!  The rest of the weekend, I’ve slept, eaten, and watched TV.  And that’s after 4 weeks back at work part time.  It’s just going to get harder – it’s my first week back full time next week!

I’ve also got the added extra that my leg is dodgy, and I’m not sure I should be running with my tender kidney!

I’ve got my first appointment with neurology on 29th April – so will hopefully have some sort of idea what’s up with my leg after that, and I’ve got my next appointment with Nephrology on 9th May – so will ask then if I can actually try running again.

Until then – I’m going to concentrate on getting back to work, and if I have any energy I will do some strength training as that was helping when I was doing it regularly.

I’m also going to be as good as gold with my food – no emotional eating just because I want to run.

And I will try really, really hard to control my running envy and not snarl at the runners going past my window!
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My true love!

I have realised that my first two posts have been a bit negative, and I’m really not a negative person!  Quite the opposite actually!  I can find a positive side to pretty much anything!

 

So today I’m going to tell you about my true love!  Running!

 

I discovered running 11 years ago!  I’d lost a lot of weight swimming, and wanted to try something different!  So I tried running!  It was before the days of C25K’s, so I started off running between lampposts & fell head over heels in love with that magical feeling.

 

Since then, I’ve ran on and off with random breaks, but always missed it enough to want to get back to it!

 

I’ve entered a few 5k, 10k races, and one half marathon!

 

And now I’m attempting to get back to it, after almost 6 months – the longest break I’ve ever had – and I have missed it so much!   I’m having to take it really slow, I’ve been following a C25K for 6 weeks now, and I’ve just done week 3, day 2 – so that’s how slow I’m progressing.  Oh but what a feeling!  It’s the toughest thing ever, but so good to just run for 3 minutes!

 

So – running to me!  It’s my time!  When I’m out there, I’m not a wife, a mum, a colleague, or a worker, I’m not a daughter or a friend, I’m just me!  Sometimes I run with music on, and get lost listening to my favourite songs, other times – mainly when I run early in the morning – I listen to the world around me, the birds tweeting, the breeze rustling through the leaves, the distant hum of a lone car.  I get lost in my thoughts, I put the world to rights, I run off my sadness, or I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, or I run just for the pure joy of it, or because the sun is shining! (Although I do love to run in the rain!)

 

I’m never going to break any records, I’m a plodder, and now with my dodgy kidney, it’s highly unlikely I will run the marathon I had always hoped to one day!  But I will continue, and I will get back to running 5k again on a regular basis, I love it too much to stop!
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Today I cried!

So today I cried, then I cried a bit more, and just in case I hadn’t cried enough – I cried some more

I cried because I was tired

I cried because my leg hurt

I cried because I’m struggling with work

I cried because I have Lupus

I cried because I will most probably never run a marathon

I cried because I ate too much chocolate yesterday

I cried because I was frightened on Thursday as I had fluid retention.

I cried because I was fed up

I  cried because I want to be normal again

I cried because all this crap happened to me

I cried because it was sunny and I can’t sit out in it anymore

It was needed!  Hopefully I’ve now got it out of my system till the next time I have a meltdown!

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A Bit About Me!

26th March 2017

Up until last October, I was quite normal!  I am married, we have one son, almost 2o years old.  I have a full time job which I love.  I try and eat healthy most of the time & I loved to – that was my thing!  I’d tried lots of other different things, but soon became bored – running is the only thing I’ve stuck with for so long (about 11 years now) .

Then bang!  My whole life was turned upside down!  I was admitted to hospital with water retention- I’d put on 20lb of fluid over the weekend, and figured I should get it checked out!   I was kept in to have a kidney biopsy to find out what was going wrong!  This all went to plan, but afterwards it wouldn’t stop bleeding! Three ops, and four days later, I had one kidney less, and the other one wasn’t working anymore & I was put on dialysis.    Had a couple of blood transfusions as I lost so much blood, and hubby was told a couple of times I wasn’t going to make it.

9 weeks later,  I’d had numerous infections, an allergic reaction to antibiotics which resulted in me getting Steven Johnsons syndrome (a life threatening skin condition which resulted in me shedding my skin), pneumonia, c-dif, I’d been in ICT, HDU, and several other wards in between.  I’d lost 2 stone in weight (as well as the 20lb fluid) , and lots of muscle wastage, could barely walk with out sticks, and I got to go home the day before Christmas Eve!

The last few months have been spent building my strength back up, and try to get back to normal.  I have now been diagnosed with Lupus, and am constantly at the hospital seeing one consultant or the other – they are treating me with kid gloves as I went through so much while in hospital.

And now I’m starting back to work, and trying to run again.

This blog  will be my ramblings – happy and sad,  my feelings and thoughts.

I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I’m going to enjoy writing them.

 

PS I’m not a writer, I’m not particularly witty or entertaining- and this could end up very boring – I’m just me 😊
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