Why the Fluff do I do it??

I’m there again!

Fat and frumpy and fed up!

The last few weeks I’ve not been feeling it at all!

I’ve struggled with staying on plan, I’ve skipped classes, I’ve ate my way through days, with more rubbish than I care to admit to!

And the last couple of days I’ve cried.

None of my clothes fit me again, not even my fat clothes, everything is tight, my back is cut because my bra strap is digging in to me & my tummy has scratches from my waist band! My security blanket cardigans are being worn constantly, even at the weekends now!

And I’m in so much pain, my pain is bad anyway, but it just gets so much worse when I put on even more weight! I’ve just got myself a foldaway walking stick because some evenings when I’m on my way home, I just haven’t got the strength to do the 15 minute walk, and it’s quite scary, so figured if I had a bit of support in my bag I might feel a bit better.

And to make myself feel better? I eat more crap!

I truly don’t know what to do to break this cycle, I know I have to, but I’m not quite low enough to actually do it.

I had my antidepressants upped in the week, so I’m hoping that once they kick in I will feel better about myself, and get back on track.

I’ve always been honest about my food, writing everything down, even my bad days, but I’m not even doing that at the moment. Maybe that’s what I need to do.

I’m going for one day at a time! Tomorrow I will write everything! I have my breakfast and lunch planned. And my snacks. I also have enough meals planned for the evenings for the week, so I just have to not eat extras, and I will have a few days of success.

I know I’m also ruining hubby’s weight loss. He has been brilliant, and lost over 2 stone, and I keep leading him astray, and he doesn’t need that.

Hopefully next week will be a more positive tale.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Advertisements

Mixed Bag!

Week 8

15 stone 7.5lb.

3 stone 7.5lb to goal

0.5lb loss

37000 steps

Bit of a mixed week! I had good and bad days with my food. I was either exceptionally good or exceptionally bad.

I’m struggling with my pain just now, most days I’m in agony, I’m taking lots of pain killers, and feeling sorry for myself. And I’ve always been an emotional eater, so I’ve been picking. But deep down I really wanted a good week, which is why the good days have happened.

I’m happy with 1/2lb loss! Yes, I wanted more, but I’m beginning to realise that this is going to be a slow and steady journey. I’ve got too many other things going on to want to focus just on eating healthy.

I will be good as much as possible, and I will try and make good choices as often as I can, but if I have a bad time, I’m not going to stress about it. I’ve also made an appointment with my Doctor to discuss pain management & might ask about upping my anti depressants too. I’ve got the best support team though and they know what to do to make things better.

Anyway – other stuff! I had my 30 year work anniversary on Wednesday! It doesn’t feel like 30 years. I’ve been genuinely happy there, I’ve learnt so much, and grown so much. And I work with some of the most wonderful people. They have me, they look out for me, they are there for me, they are my family. And I wouldn’t want to work anywhere else.

I’ve had a moment too! I’ve been dying my own hair for as long as I can remember- I have grey hair to cover – but recently I’ve been going lighter, and have ended up blonde. They didn’t have my normal colour this month so I bought a bleach blonde! And jeez! It worked! Not sure I like it, it’s a bit yellow, but I’ve got lots of purple shampoo that apparently strips the yellow out so fingers crossed.

I’m away with work next week, I’m going to Paris. I love going away, I really do, but I’m tired and sore, and I’m not looking forward to it this time! I’ve also got my confidence & anxiety issues that don’t help! I’ll be fine once I get there, it will fly by, and I will learn lots, but just need to get to Tuesday first.

So! Till next week in my muxed up world……

Much love

Instagram. #michelle1969

Back on Track! From tomorrow!

Week 7

15 stone 8lb.

3 stone 8lb to goal

2lb loss

27000 steps

Well I went to class, really didn’t want to as I’d slept badly and was in a lot of pain, but I’d worked myself up to going, so off I went.

It was lovely seeing everyone again, they really are a nice bunch, all very friendly & supportive, and know I will make some good friends.

I lost 2lb, and I was so annoyed with myself. I’d wanted to lose 7lb so that I was back to my start weight, and I could have done it if I’d behaved myself this last week! But no! I’m my own worst enemy.

I was tired this week, it was a struggle going back in after being off for nearly 3 weeks, and it was month end, so always odd hours. Thursday I could barely move, everything was hurting so much, but luckily I could work from home, and cry on my own.

Excuses I know, but it’s meant poor food choices, I haven’t had the energy to think, and I’ve wanted comfort food.

Today – I’m off plan! Sort of anyway. We’ve been out for breakfast, had a lovely fry up! And I have hot cross buns for later.

Tomorrow will be another day, I will get over my strop, and get back on track properly. Lovely roast dinner with lots of veg. and SW roasties, my favourite meal ever.

And I’ve got soup prepared for lunches next week, just need to actually get them out of the freezer.

I’ve bought a countdown, so I’m signed up for the next 12 weeks at least.

I just need to stay positive.

Much love

Instagram. #michelle1969

Back to Being Me!

I’m not ready to give up yet!

I’ve had a few really bad weeks, but it’s mainly been down to my virus! I struggle every day, with pain and fatigue, so when I get an illness as well, it’s just too much.

Anyway, the virus has gone now, and I’m back to normal – or as normal as I get! And I’m ready to keep fighting, and working, and pushing as much as I can.

Yes – I would love to give up work, and concentrate on me, but that’s not going to happen any time soon, so I’m going to get as much positive out of it as possible, and enjoy it, till my next black spell at least. And I miss my colleagues too much when I’m not there.

Not doing my weekly stats this week, didn’t go to weigh in again – don’t get paid till tomorrow and I’m skint! So figured I wouldn’t bore you with the same figures again . I am being good though, when I get weighed next week I would like to have lost my Christmas weight so I can start afresh.

Till next week

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

The best laid plans …..

Week 5

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

No weigh in

24000 steps

Floored this week. Wednesday afternoon I started with a sore throat, nothing much really, just a bit dry.

Thursday morning, just after midnight I woke up in agony! Literally everything hurt, my feet, my ankles, my shins, as well as all the normal bits that hurt daily, only so much worse. And my head! I have no words!

I honestly couldn’t lie or sit in any position as it hurt to touch anything, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Took the day off work and phoned my nephrologist who told me I needed to speak to my rheumatologist. He thought it was “just” a flu bug, rather than a flare, and told me to drink plenty, take regular pain killers – which I do anyway, and bed rest. If no better on Monday I should phone back. It was a relief to know they didn’t think it was a flare – that was freaking me a bit.

And that’s pretty much been me for the last 4 days.

I’ve stopped crying with the pain now at least, but it’s gone to my chest and my nose has kicked off today. But I slept last night, which is the best feeling.

So no weigh in, but I did sneak a peek on my scales, and I’m happy with how things are going, at least I haven’t had the energy to go off plan either.

I’m beginning to realise there’s more to this Lupus thing than I first thought. Yes, I know it’s serious, and I know it’s bad, and it’s going to effect my life, but I’ve had a couple of bugs in the last couple of months, and they have both completely floored me. Now I don’t know if that’s down to the Lupus, or the meds I’m on, or a combination of the both, but whatever it is, it’s not good, it’s getting me down, and really struggling to find the positive in all of this just now. I hate having no control, I hate not being to get up and fight through it, I hate having to give into it, I hate being unreliable.

Anyway – till next week ….

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

Slow week done!

Week 4

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

-1

23000 steps

Been a really slow week on all fronts this week. And was quite surprised to lose 1lb, didn’t feel like I’d put anywhere near enough effort into it.

Been crazy busy at work, month end! Which has meant long & odd hours, also means my brain doesn’t switch off properly so my sleep is poor too.

And I’m really not good with no sleep!

I’ve barely done any steps – a whole 20000 less than I have been doing.

I’ve stayed on track pretty much all week, up till Friday anyway.

Friday is breakfast day in work – I try and pick reasonably well – bacon and mushrooms on brown toast – and it’s the most perfect breakfast. But I don’t normally eat much else other than fruit for the rest of the day as it’s really filling.

This Friday though!!! Just after breakfast we got an email! Pizza for lunch! And I’m sorry – but I just can’t resist pizza, even if it is the day before weigh in.

3 slices later, and a chicken skewer – I was full.

I did feel guilty about it briefly, but it didn’t last long. Yes – I want to lose weight, but it’s got to be in a manageable way, in a way that I will enjoy, and in a way I will stick to, and if that means having pizza once a month in work – I will do it without guilt.

Here’s to a better next week!

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

Breaking myself in gently!

Week 2.

15 stone 13.5lb.

3 stone 13.5lb to goal

-2lb

43000 steps

Well week 1 was a bit hit and miss, each day started off well & ended not so well!

My daily syns ranged from 13 to 33, most days being closer to the 30 than than the 13!

But it’s a starting point, and I’m happy with that.

The boss was up from London, and we were busy, so by the time I got home I had no brain power left, and although I had planned my meals for the week, I didn’t have the energy to convince myself to have them. My appraisal went well though. I hate appraisals, I hate having to talk about myself.

An added bit of support for me – Hubby went to the Doctor and they talked about losing weight as it’s getting him down so he’s now on track with me. Doctor has referred him to SW, but I think that’s most probably a step too far for him just now, he needs to work on that idea.

I’m so happy though – I do worry about him so much, and it will do him the world of good to lose some weight with me.

This week should be better. I’ve prepped lunches! We were supposed to be having minestrone soup, but it turned out a bit thick so we are now having vegetable pasta. Looks nice.

Teas are planned out, but it’s going to be a tough week as hubby is working late which means I will be cooking which is never successful.

But let’s see what the scales say.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram #michelle1969

It wasn’t pretty!

Week 1.

16stone 1.5lb.

4 stone 1.5lb to goal

15lb +.

48000 steps

Well I went! And it was as bad as I’d known it would be! 15lb on since I last went before Christmas!

But I was ok,

I never wobbled when I stepped on the scales

I never wobbled while I helped out with the newbies

I never wobbled as I sold the raffle tickets

And all was good!

Until our consultant came to me first, and started talking about what a tough couple of months I’d had!

I told her – don’t – I’ll cry, but hey ho! We are there to share, and I cried!

Rest of the class was fine, everyone had done well, and as always I was proud of them!

And I love seeing them all and having a natter!

Rest of the day was spent coming to terms with how far I’ve got to go, I’ve actually got to lose 12.5lb before I get back to my original start weight!

But I’m determined this time. I read something the other day that the main cause of death fir us Lupies is actually weight related issues, and I quite like living so the weight is coming off!

I’ve been out for a walk both days, today I even jogged for a bit, which was THE most amazing feeling!

Soup & lunches prepared for the week, evening meals planned!

This week will be a success!

Enjoy yours, whatever you’re up to!

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram #michelle1969

It’s been a while!

3 months to be precise!

It’s been a strange few months, and I’ve struggled with it. Trying to get my meds right, and finding the right balance between doing things, and sleeping.

Everything had taken a bit of a back step while I’ve been getting my head together, and I’m now suffering with the extra weight I’ve put on.

But I do feel ready to take control of that again. It’s time to start eating properly, lose weight and get as fit as I can.

Ultimately it’s going to make my life easier, and the Lupus more manageable so it’s got to be worth it, and this time it’s more than just vanity.

I’m going to need lots of support, so I plan on using my blog to write up my weekly ups and downs. My weekly weight loss – fingers crossed, my weekly steps, how I’m feeling, my good and bad days – things like that!

I’m also going to give my all to Slimming World. I go to weigh in every Saturday, and stay to class, so it will be every Sunday I do my update here.

I’m going to be as positive as I can about this, and that should bring about the results I want.

My first weigh in is next Saturday so until then…..

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ