Brain in Overdrive!

Week 5

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

No weigh in

19000 steps

No weigh in again this week. I did have every intention of going! Woke up 5 minutes before my alarm, went to the loo, got back into bed, and don’t remember a thing for another 2 hours.

My head is all over the place this week, I think I’ve had too much time on my hands to think.

I know it’s most probably down to me not feeling well, but the ever so wonderful depression is sneaking in again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I haven’t got the energy or strength to work full time, and live.

For the last year all I’ve done is go to work, and sleep. I get up, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed, and that’s it. Weekends aren’t much more exciting. I go out for an hour or so Saturday morning, make some soup or do some other food prep on Sunday, possibly go out for a walk to our local park and that’s it.

I’m not sleeping properly, even though I’m so incredibly tired all the time. I’m in constant pain, it hurts to sit, it hurts to move.

I’ve tried this for almost ayear now, and it’s not getting any easier, if anything, it’s getting harder.

Now I know all this is due to my Lupus, even the depression comes with it, but I don’t know what to do about it.

I can’t give up work, and I’m not sure I want to, but I certainly don’t want to just work.

I know it’s tough on hubby too, he doesn’t know what to do to make it better for me either, and he worries so very much about me, and I don’t want that, so I’m not talking about it much, trying to hide it, but he sees the pain in my eyes when I stand, or sit for too long.

I figure I need to go and speak to my doctor, see what my options are, but that also feels like admitting defeat, admitting that I can’t cope, and I’m a stubborn madam, I don’t want to give in.

Sure all will be fine once this virus clears properly, but I do need to shake myself up a bit.

Anyway -till next week

Much love

Instagram. #michelle1969

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Feeling sorry for myself

This is going to be a very wallowing in self pity post!

Feel free to skip it, and I will return to my normal positive self shortly.

So! I’m not well! I have a viral infection! And I feel like crap!

Now I don’t know if it’s the virus that’s so bad, or the Lupus that makes it worse, or the meds I’m on that make me more prone! Whatever the reason – I wish it would do one!

Started off last Wednesday with a sore throat, and went down hill rapidly from then.

A bit of background – Lupus is an autoimmune disease which means my body basically attacks itself, and I’m on really strong tablets to lower my immune system to protect my body a bit.

Unfortunately this means that I pick up anything & everything.

It’s currently 1am, and I’m lying in bed in pain!

Everything is hurting, and I mean everything! The worst pain is in my legs, my shins and ankles, and my hips! But my hands are bad too, and my shoulders.

When I stand up at the moment, my joints are in agony, and I have to stand for a minute or two for them to adjust to the new angle! I’m having to go up the stairs on all fours as my knees can’t support the weight while stepping!

I’m struggling to hold my phone, actually, I’m not holding it, it’s laying on my pillow & I’m typing with one finger.

On top of this, my throat is sore, it hurts to swallow! Although I have found that whole meal toast scratches my throat and gives me some relief! My nose is streaming! I’m doing a very good impression of Rudolph! And I have the most awful hacking cough! That alternates between making me sick and crying!

Been to the doctors and she’s signed me off work for 2 weeks! My chest is clear at the moment, but I’m to do deep breathing exercises to keep it that way! I have a slight temperature and a slightly inflamed throat. Nothing to risk a course of antibiotics just yet! I’ve just got to ride it out for now. Plenty of fluids, plenty of painkillers, plenty of rest!

I’ve got my normal bloods in the morning so that will put my mind to rest that it is just a virus and not a flare! I do know it’s not, but no harm in being sure!

I hate being ill so much, I hate not being able to have fun with hubby, or just enjoy being with him! Both of us work full time and are shattered when we get home, so our time together when we are awake is precious.

I hate being ill so much, I hate seeing the concern and worry in my sons eyes! He really struggled when I was bad, and he is so protective of me now!

I hate being ill so much, I hate worrying my mum & dad! They want to look after me, and they struggle with not being able to.

I hate being ill so much, I hate hearing my friends worry about me!

I hate being ill so much, I hate not being able to do things around home! I don’t do an awful lot anyway, but putting the extra pressure on hubby to look after me as well is horrible.

I hate being ill so much, I hate letting my boss down! I love my job, and enjoy it, and have a lot of responsibility & I can’t be there to get it done!

My dying swan act is still very raw for my close ones, and I know how difficult all this is for them.

The sooner I get over this, the better! So Doctors orders will be followed.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening! Normal service will resume shortly.

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The best laid plans …..

Week 5

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

No weigh in

24000 steps

Floored this week. Wednesday afternoon I started with a sore throat, nothing much really, just a bit dry.

Thursday morning, just after midnight I woke up in agony! Literally everything hurt, my feet, my ankles, my shins, as well as all the normal bits that hurt daily, only so much worse. And my head! I have no words!

I honestly couldn’t lie or sit in any position as it hurt to touch anything, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Took the day off work and phoned my nephrologist who told me I needed to speak to my rheumatologist. He thought it was “just” a flu bug, rather than a flare, and told me to drink plenty, take regular pain killers – which I do anyway, and bed rest. If no better on Monday I should phone back. It was a relief to know they didn’t think it was a flare – that was freaking me a bit.

And that’s pretty much been me for the last 4 days.

I’ve stopped crying with the pain now at least, but it’s gone to my chest and my nose has kicked off today. But I slept last night, which is the best feeling.

So no weigh in, but I did sneak a peek on my scales, and I’m happy with how things are going, at least I haven’t had the energy to go off plan either.

I’m beginning to realise there’s more to this Lupus thing than I first thought. Yes, I know it’s serious, and I know it’s bad, and it’s going to effect my life, but I’ve had a couple of bugs in the last couple of months, and they have both completely floored me. Now I don’t know if that’s down to the Lupus, or the meds I’m on, or a combination of the both, but whatever it is, it’s not good, it’s getting me down, and really struggling to find the positive in all of this just now. I hate having no control, I hate not being to get up and fight through it, I hate having to give into it, I hate being unreliable.

Anyway – till next week ….

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Instagram. #michelle1969

Obsessed with β€œon this day”!

I’m a bit of a FB addict, always have been, always will be, and this is a bit about that!

For those that don’t know, there’s a feature on there called “on this day”. Basically it shows you what you posted “on this day” over previous years.

And for the last few months I’ve become a bit obsessed with it! From about September last year I started checking it out, to see if there was any hint of what was to come, but no, there was nothing, not even particularly tired! I’d recently run a 10k, I was eating healthily, I was sleep well, work was good….

Then from October onwards I was checking what happened, a lot of my time in hospital was a blur so I was looking for clues. It didn’t help much as I went a bit FB awol! This is how a lot of my friends knew I was seriously ill – because I vanished!

After that I got to December and saw that I’d come home, and January I’ve been watching my progress.

Over the next few months I will be watching how I got stronger and returned back to work, and how I managed with that.

Then hopefully my obsession will fade a bit …..

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Instagram. #Michelle1969

Week 1 didn’t go to plan!

Yesterday was bad!

I’ve not slept properly the last couple of nights as I’ve been stressy over a few things – work, my weight, my pains, so I was in a bit of a state!

I also knew I was going to have put over a stone on at weigh in, and knowing that I had to go and face up to that officially wasn’t helping with my mood.

Anyway – I got ready, went to wait for the bus and the stupid thing didn’t turn up! As I was going just for weigh in, I had no spare time to get there any other way so didn’t go.

We then went to our local beach, had breakfast, went for a walk for an hour, did a bit of shopping and came home

The beach is my calm place, I love being there! I took lots of pictures, breathed in the sea air, and thought lots.

And that’s when I cried!

I cried lots, I broke down. I just sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes. I cried it all out! I cried until there was nothing left.

I think I got it out of my system! I hope I got it out of my system! Till next time anyway! I do have a meltdown from time to time, and yesterday was one of those times.

Anyway – the rest of the week has been ok, my food had been reasonably good, and I’d got almost 40000 steps in. I’ve planned all of next week too. I’ve actually lost 8lb unofficially since last Tuesday so at least delaying the official one may go in my favour.

Until next week …..

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Instagram. #Michelle1969

Weird Dream!Β 

I don’t dream often!  Or at least I don’t remember my dreams!  But just lately I’ve been having some really odd ones! I’m in places I haven’t been to for a long time, I’m with people who I haven’t seen – or thought about for years!  And they are completely mixed up – people in places that aren’t connected.   People in places I visited before I even knew these people!  

Last night was by far the oddest though!  It woke me up!  Frightened!  

Hubby was digging a hole in the garden – to plant a bush I have that’s outgrown it’s pot!  And he came up to tell me he’d found a body!  And what should we do!   I looked towards the hole, and there’s a Sindy doll filling in the hole, fixing the broken plant pot, and placing it back on top of the hole!  

I said to Hubby “that’s our answer – just leave well alone”. 

I do actually know where all the separate bits come from, just not sure how I got them all together in my head

The plant – it does need repotting

The body – too many thrillers on TV

The doll – an advert on TV & dolls freak me out at the best of times!

If there’s anyone out there who knows what dreams mean …..  

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Up and Down

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready.  I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed!  But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too.  And I’m then comfort eating.  I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative.  I’m a positive person,  I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful.  I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide.  Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer.  And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already!  I haven’t cried once all week.  

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months!  I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now! 

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now!   This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden!   I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!  
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!  
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!  

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable. 

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My Secret Place!

I’ve been trying to work out why I started writing here!  I’m a FB addict, and put my life on there, or a lot of it anyway.  I love to share.  Everyone knew there was something up when I stopped posting for a few days and worried about me!  So why do I need to do it here too?

I think its because I need a secret place to tell my story, I haven’t told anyone I know about my blog, other than hubby, and only told him two days ago!

Some  of the things I have been through, and some of the things going on in my head – I’m not ready to share with my family and friends, they went through enough without me putting them through more.  Now don’t get me wrong, they are there for me, but I want to protect them I suppose.

They tell me little things about how they felt, and what they did, and I know how much they love me and worry about me and I want to protect them – so just for now – I’m not going to share my thoughts, some of which would get me sectioned, and I will continue posting here, telling my story, both the good and bad bits.

And continue to be shocked that people are already reading this!

 

Thank you for that πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™