I have no words

Well actually I do now, but for the last two weeks I haven’t.  I have been struggling so much with everything that I’ve not even been able to write here – the safe place I started just to share my deepest feelings and emotions.

So!  I’ve been tired, so unbelievably tired, and two trips away to different offices has floored me!  I’ve been in pain with my joints, I’m struggling to walk up the stairs,  the side effects have kicked in with my new tablets giving me the most awful stomach pains, and upset tummy – not the nicest thing when away and visiting other people.   And the heat!!!  The heat is just unbearable!  And I hate that I can’t go and lie in the sun all day like I used to.  
And I am just so down.  And it’s hurting.  I am such a positive person normally, and I just haven’t got the energy just now.  I can’t exercise, my food has been awful, I’ve put weight on so all my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable. I’m  not sleeping properly, and I’m constantly crying.   My boss actually told one of the girls I was visiting to look after me as I’m not coping just now.    I’m a complete and utter basket case.  I know hubby is struggling with what to do for me too, as he’s never seen me like this, and it hurts that I’m hurting him, but I just can’t shake it.

I don’t remember ever feeling this down, even when I was in hospital for 9 weeks, I kept my positivity, and brightness.

I do know how far I’ve come, and how much better I am, but this just seems continuous, with no end in sight, and I honestly don’t want to do it anymore, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

I’ve spoken to my consultant, and she thinks it would be a good idea to have a course of anti depressants – my idea just to get me through the next few months, to get me out of this downward spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into – so I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor this week and hopefully things will start looking up soon.

Watch this space πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

I’m turning in to a moaning Minnie!Β 

So today!  It’s been too hot!!   I have always loved the heat and the sun, I’m more than happy to be out in my garden from first thing, till last thing!!  I love the summer!  

But that’s all changed now, with my dodgy skin, and meds that make me sensitive to the sun! 
Today I discovered

  1.  I’m going to become one of those people that complains about the heat
  2. I need to take my sun cream to work with me – the 15 minute walk home left my arm and leg burning.
  3. It’s all well and good being told I can run, but there’s not a chance I’m going to in this heat!
  4. Heat makes me sleep less, so I’ve been tired today, and very weepy, every time someone came to see me in work I burst into tears – luckily they all know I’m a loon! 
  5. I’m a little bit scared about starting my new tablets – that’s one of the things that set me off crying.
  6. It’s going to be a very long summer!

But at least it’s Friday tomorrow! 

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Walking before I can run! Β Literally!Β 

So this weekend I’ve finally come to terms with not being ready to start running again!

I was struggling with the C25K while I was still off work, but now I’m back – its way too much.  It had taken me 7 weeks to get to week 3 on the program.

This last weekend, I’ve done nothing!  We went for a walk to my happy place on Friday (the seaside) and that’s all!  The rest of the weekend, I’ve slept, eaten, and watched TV.  And that’s after 4 weeks back at work part time.  It’s just going to get harder – it’s my first week back full time next week!

I’ve also got the added extra that my leg is dodgy, and I’m not sure I should be running with my tender kidney!

I’ve got my first appointment with neurology on 29th April – so will hopefully have some sort of idea what’s up with my leg after that, and I’ve got my next appointment with Nephrology on 9th May – so will ask then if I can actually try running again.

Until then – I’m going to concentrate on getting back to work, and if I have any energy I will do some strength training as that was helping when I was doing it regularly.

I’m also going to be as good as gold with my food – no emotional eating just because I want to run.

And I will try really, really hard to control my running envy and not snarl at the runners going past my window!
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