Brain in Overdrive!

Week 5

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

No weigh in

19000 steps

No weigh in again this week. I did have every intention of going! Woke up 5 minutes before my alarm, went to the loo, got back into bed, and don’t remember a thing for another 2 hours.

My head is all over the place this week, I think I’ve had too much time on my hands to think.

I know it’s most probably down to me not feeling well, but the ever so wonderful depression is sneaking in again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I haven’t got the energy or strength to work full time, and live.

For the last year all I’ve done is go to work, and sleep. I get up, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed, and that’s it. Weekends aren’t much more exciting. I go out for an hour or so Saturday morning, make some soup or do some other food prep on Sunday, possibly go out for a walk to our local park and that’s it.

I’m not sleeping properly, even though I’m so incredibly tired all the time. I’m in constant pain, it hurts to sit, it hurts to move.

I’ve tried this for almost ayear now, and it’s not getting any easier, if anything, it’s getting harder.

Now I know all this is due to my Lupus, even the depression comes with it, but I don’t know what to do about it.

I can’t give up work, and I’m not sure I want to, but I certainly don’t want to just work.

I know it’s tough on hubby too, he doesn’t know what to do to make it better for me either, and he worries so very much about me, and I don’t want that, so I’m not talking about it much, trying to hide it, but he sees the pain in my eyes when I stand, or sit for too long.

I figure I need to go and speak to my doctor, see what my options are, but that also feels like admitting defeat, admitting that I can’t cope, and I’m a stubborn madam, I don’t want to give in.

Sure all will be fine once this virus clears properly, but I do need to shake myself up a bit.

Anyway -till next week

Much love

Instagram. #michelle1969

Advertisements

Feeling sorry for myself

This is going to be a very wallowing in self pity post!

Feel free to skip it, and I will return to my normal positive self shortly.

So! I’m not well! I have a viral infection! And I feel like crap!

Now I don’t know if it’s the virus that’s so bad, or the Lupus that makes it worse, or the meds I’m on that make me more prone! Whatever the reason – I wish it would do one!

Started off last Wednesday with a sore throat, and went down hill rapidly from then.

A bit of background – Lupus is an autoimmune disease which means my body basically attacks itself, and I’m on really strong tablets to lower my immune system to protect my body a bit.

Unfortunately this means that I pick up anything & everything.

It’s currently 1am, and I’m lying in bed in pain!

Everything is hurting, and I mean everything! The worst pain is in my legs, my shins and ankles, and my hips! But my hands are bad too, and my shoulders.

When I stand up at the moment, my joints are in agony, and I have to stand for a minute or two for them to adjust to the new angle! I’m having to go up the stairs on all fours as my knees can’t support the weight while stepping!

I’m struggling to hold my phone, actually, I’m not holding it, it’s laying on my pillow & I’m typing with one finger.

On top of this, my throat is sore, it hurts to swallow! Although I have found that whole meal toast scratches my throat and gives me some relief! My nose is streaming! I’m doing a very good impression of Rudolph! And I have the most awful hacking cough! That alternates between making me sick and crying!

Been to the doctors and she’s signed me off work for 2 weeks! My chest is clear at the moment, but I’m to do deep breathing exercises to keep it that way! I have a slight temperature and a slightly inflamed throat. Nothing to risk a course of antibiotics just yet! I’ve just got to ride it out for now. Plenty of fluids, plenty of painkillers, plenty of rest!

I’ve got my normal bloods in the morning so that will put my mind to rest that it is just a virus and not a flare! I do know it’s not, but no harm in being sure!

I hate being ill so much, I hate not being able to have fun with hubby, or just enjoy being with him! Both of us work full time and are shattered when we get home, so our time together when we are awake is precious.

I hate being ill so much, I hate seeing the concern and worry in my sons eyes! He really struggled when I was bad, and he is so protective of me now!

I hate being ill so much, I hate worrying my mum & dad! They want to look after me, and they struggle with not being able to.

I hate being ill so much, I hate hearing my friends worry about me!

I hate being ill so much, I hate not being able to do things around home! I don’t do an awful lot anyway, but putting the extra pressure on hubby to look after me as well is horrible.

I hate being ill so much, I hate letting my boss down! I love my job, and enjoy it, and have a lot of responsibility & I can’t be there to get it done!

My dying swan act is still very raw for my close ones, and I know how difficult all this is for them.

The sooner I get over this, the better! So Doctors orders will be followed.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening! Normal service will resume shortly.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

The best laid plans …..

Week 5

15 stone 10lb.

3 stone 10lb to goal

No weigh in

24000 steps

Floored this week. Wednesday afternoon I started with a sore throat, nothing much really, just a bit dry.

Thursday morning, just after midnight I woke up in agony! Literally everything hurt, my feet, my ankles, my shins, as well as all the normal bits that hurt daily, only so much worse. And my head! I have no words!

I honestly couldn’t lie or sit in any position as it hurt to touch anything, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Took the day off work and phoned my nephrologist who told me I needed to speak to my rheumatologist. He thought it was “just” a flu bug, rather than a flare, and told me to drink plenty, take regular pain killers – which I do anyway, and bed rest. If no better on Monday I should phone back. It was a relief to know they didn’t think it was a flare – that was freaking me a bit.

And that’s pretty much been me for the last 4 days.

I’ve stopped crying with the pain now at least, but it’s gone to my chest and my nose has kicked off today. But I slept last night, which is the best feeling.

So no weigh in, but I did sneak a peek on my scales, and I’m happy with how things are going, at least I haven’t had the energy to go off plan either.

I’m beginning to realise there’s more to this Lupus thing than I first thought. Yes, I know it’s serious, and I know it’s bad, and it’s going to effect my life, but I’ve had a couple of bugs in the last couple of months, and they have both completely floored me. Now I don’t know if that’s down to the Lupus, or the meds I’m on, or a combination of the both, but whatever it is, it’s not good, it’s getting me down, and really struggling to find the positive in all of this just now. I hate having no control, I hate not being to get up and fight through it, I hate having to give into it, I hate being unreliable.

Anyway – till next week ….

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

Recurring Dream

The last couple of weeks I’ve had the same dream, actually that’s not strictly true – they’ve been different dreams, but always had the same ending.

With the sound of a drill!

I know where this is coming from, but I have no idea why.

When I was in hospital, one of the things I remember is waking up hearing a drill, and I had no idea why, it just didn’t make sense, I knew I was in hospital, not a dentist, so where was it coming from?

Stupidly I asked!

Oh! We can’t get a line in anywhere so we are drilling through your shin!

Oh ok then! and that’s all I remember about that, I was out of it again.

When I did come round again, sure enough I had something sticking out of my leg. They didn’t end up using it, but it was there in case my veins crashed again.

So that’s where it’s coming from.

Why it’s started playing on my mind I don’t know.

After I’d been home for a few weeks, I wrote down all my experiences, and what had happened, the bits I remember, and the bits Hubby and Mum & Dad told me.

I’ve re-read this today, and the drilling is there, but just as an after thought, and only a line or two about it, so I figure it wasn’t that traumatic in comparison to everything else that happened.

So pretty much – I’m non the wiser.

Hopefully it’ll go away now I’ve shared it here, and I can go back to my normal wacky dreams.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

A Tough Week!

Week 3

15 stone 11lb.

3 stone 11lb to goal

-2.5

43000 steps

This has been a really tough week for a few reasons!

I think the previous week caught up on me and I was so very tired, and just a little bit run down!

Sunday evening my lips started tingling! A sure sign the dreaded coldsores were about to strike!

It’s been over 2 years since I’ve had 1, and I honestly believed I was done with them! But they reminded me with a vengeance I wasn’t!

Monday morning saw me wake with fat lips! 4 massive, stinging ugly cold sores, and I just wanted to cry!

All day I could feel them! It felt like I had flash lights on my lips, sending out this sign “everyone, come look at my horrible, infected mouth”

All week I’ve felt so down about them, they’re at the horrible scabby stage now when every time I knock them they bleed.

I just wish they would go away!

It’s stupid – the sh*t I’ve been through, and a scabby mouth almost floored me. But my confidence is really low at the moment, so it doesn’t take much to knock it out of me!

On top of this hubby has been working 10 hour days which has meant I’ve got home first, and made the lunches for the following day.

I never realised such a small thing could be that bit too much, the amount of energy it’s taken out of me to do that has been eye opening! 1 spoon too many obviously.

(For those that don’t know about spoonies – check out the spoon theory- it kind of makes sense!

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Anyway – all this has meant I’ve not made the best choices food wise! It’s not too been horrific, but not very nutritional either!

Breakfast & lunches have been fine, but teas have been something quick and easy, something on toast or a sandwich! Friday night I actually had hot cross buns for tea!

So I was more than happy with this weeks weight loss!

Next week I plan to be better!

This weekend has been lovely! I had SW cooked breakfast, and steak for tea yesterday. Even had jelly & custard dessert! Today it’s my favourite – a full roast dinner – SW friendly obviously. Also making soup for the week – I find taking some in with my lunch stops me snacking on syns.

Just got to keep at it for the week and I will be sorted.

And I’ve slept lots! Which was much needed.

Hubby isn’t working long hours either – so it’s all positive!

See you next week!

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Instagram. #michelle1969

It’s been a while!

3 months to be precise!

It’s been a strange few months, and I’ve struggled with it. Trying to get my meds right, and finding the right balance between doing things, and sleeping.

Everything had taken a bit of a back step while I’ve been getting my head together, and I’m now suffering with the extra weight I’ve put on.

But I do feel ready to take control of that again. It’s time to start eating properly, lose weight and get as fit as I can.

Ultimately it’s going to make my life easier, and the Lupus more manageable so it’s got to be worth it, and this time it’s more than just vanity.

I’m going to need lots of support, so I plan on using my blog to write up my weekly ups and downs. My weekly weight loss – fingers crossed, my weekly steps, how I’m feeling, my good and bad days – things like that!

I’m also going to give my all to Slimming World. I go to weigh in every Saturday, and stay to class, so it will be every Sunday I do my update here.

I’m going to be as positive as I can about this, and that should bring about the results I want.

My first weigh in is next Saturday so until then…..

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

A Positive Week Needed

Had a bit of a crappy week last week! Had a really upset tummy, and very little energy or motivation!

Worked from home all week and pretty much avoided as many people as possible.

Had some tests at the doctors, and just waiting for the results to see if I have an infection or not! Because of some of the tablets I’m on, if it is an infection, it will floor me! Such fun!

Anyway – my eating wasn’t completely on plan, didn’t eat anywhere near enough fruit and veg, and had two takeaways. I did pick the “healthy” option though, so a small victory there.

I was dreading Saturday but I actually lost a 1lb! More than happy! Definitely felt like I’d been let off with that one.

So off I went to get my hair cut, happy as a happy thing, and my hairdresser worked his usual magic on me. I always without fail feel gorgeous when I leave him, even if that feeling only lasts a while, it is such a good feeling! I’ve gone blonde as well, which is a bit of a shock, but hey, I’ve never been known to stay the same colour for too long!

This week – I’m going to make a really big effort! Food will be good, I will go into the office, and get some extra steps in, and I will stay as happy as possible!

I’ve had a bit of a tidy up too! Cleared some more books away, cried a bit when I put my running books away, but I will get them out again one day, I have to, I can’t think that I will never run again.

Looks like we are about to go into autumn very quickly, weather is horrible, but that just means snugly nights, and warming casseroles, all good!

And fingers crossed, my bug doesn’t last much longer!

Have a good week everyone

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

This one is for my boss!Β 

I was out for a meal with my boss the other evening and we were chatting. 
 He asked if I planned on getting back into my boxing? 

 I laughed! I barely have the energy to walk to the bus stop and back every day! 

I was telling hubby how funny I found this, and he pointed out that I don’t actually tell anyone how bad I am, so how is the boss supposed to know!   

He’s got a point! So here goes! This is how my normal day goes!  

I get up and I’m tired, not just normal tired, but completely and utterly. I’m in pain, my hips hurt, my knees hurt, I’ve slept, but a disturbed sleep, as when I turn over or move, something hurts and wakes me up!  

I normally take pain killers with the rest of my daily tablets, just to ease the pain enough to get me ready.

Most days I get the bus outside ours, as the 15 minute walk to the main bus stop wears me out. But if it can’t be helped, if I have to go in early, by the time I finish the walk, I’m melting, and tired, and feel sick.

The next thirty minutes bus ride are spent drinking water and cooling down before getting to work.

During the day, I seize up from sitting, and have to get up to walk. 

Or my brain stops working – the brain fog – and I have to sit quietly and try to focus, just to remember what I was doing before I had my blank.

 I don’t have the energy to walk into town at lunch now, and try to avoid the heat as much as possible anyway, as that just floors me.

Then I’ve got to do the home journey! Most evenings by the time I get home, I want to cry I’m hurting so much, I have to go up the stairs on all 4’s as my knees haven’t got the strength to get me up them.

I sit and eat my meal, and am normally in bed by 9pm, all ready to start again the following day.

By the end of the week I’m beat.

My weekends are spent relaxing, I will get the bus up to our local shops for some bits, but I’ve had the online shop delivered with the majority of the shopping.

On top of this, I have my dizzy spells, and migraines, and horrific mood swings, with depression.  

And that’s about it. That’s my life now.

Not much of one, but I try and make the most of it. I’m lucky as most of the time I’m happy as long as I’m with my hubby, but sometimes it’s frustrating.  

This weekend I’d wanted to go out for a while, just to our local beach, but I’d had a bad week, so didn’t have the energy, and had a bit of an upset tummy.

I am hoping that it gets better, I’m hoping as I lose weight with eating healthily, I will get a bit more energy, and possibly start walking more.  

And my ultimate goal is to get back to running, but I think that’s a long way off yet.

In the meantime – I will keep going, keep quiet, and remain my normal, happy self, keeping my meltdowns till I’m home.

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Up and Down

Well, after a sh*tty few weeks at my lowest for a long time I made an appointment with my Doctor, I’d spoken to her on the phone the day before – so she knew what to expect, and she had the tissues ready.  I sat and sobbed, I let it all out, how fed up I am, how annoyed I am with myself, all that crap I’ve been through and now I get depressed!  But I jut don’t know how to get out of this mood, I’m tired so I can’t run, I don’t actually want to walk much, never mind run, I’m crying constantly, I’m eating my way through it, I’m putting weight on, but fat weight not muscly weight which is getting me down too.  And I’m then comfort eating.  I really don’t remember ever feeling this sad, and negative.  I’m a positive person,  I don’t want to be negative.

So after 15 minutes of sobbing, we decided I was going on anti depressants, with an appointment to go back in 4 weeks, to see how I’m doing.

I’ve been on them a week now, and the side effects have been awful.  I have had the worst tummy ever, and I’ve wanted to hide.  Luckily I’ve been able to work from home, so stayed close to the bathroom, and didn’t have to deal with people, and I got lots of work done, which made me feel calmer.  And things are starting to settle down now, and I am starting to feel better already!  I haven’t cried once all week.  

On Friday I went to the hospital! Apparently I’m a little miracle! All my nasties in my blood have settled, and my kidney function has improved by 20%! He’s really happy with how well I’ve done and is going to reduce my steroids so that I won’t be taking any within 6 months!  I still have to deal with the day to day crap Lupus brings and my dodgy leg, but I am sooooo very happy my kidney is ok just now! 

Today I decided I’m ready to get back to my happy positive self now!   This morning we went for a walk, just a 20 minute one, but it was a start, and we have spent the rest of the day in the garden!   I’ve discovered it’s very therapeutic weeding while sat down, and shuffling along the path on my bum!  
We’ve eaten outside all day, watching the bees and butterflies fluttering about, listening to the birds singing, and the neighbours children playing in their garden!  
And I’m going to make an effort to go for a walk every evening – I’m knackered anyway, I might as well have a proper reason to be!  

I’ve got 2 weeks left in work till our fortnight off, and I want to be back to happy by then so we can enjoy our time off without me being miserable. 

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

I have no words

Well actually I do now, but for the last two weeks I haven’t.  I have been struggling so much with everything that I’ve not even been able to write here – the safe place I started just to share my deepest feelings and emotions.

So!  I’ve been tired, so unbelievably tired, and two trips away to different offices has floored me!  I’ve been in pain with my joints, I’m struggling to walk up the stairs,  the side effects have kicked in with my new tablets giving me the most awful stomach pains, and upset tummy – not the nicest thing when away and visiting other people.   And the heat!!!  The heat is just unbearable!  And I hate that I can’t go and lie in the sun all day like I used to.  
And I am just so down.  And it’s hurting.  I am such a positive person normally, and I just haven’t got the energy just now.  I can’t exercise, my food has been awful, I’ve put weight on so all my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable. I’m  not sleeping properly, and I’m constantly crying.   My boss actually told one of the girls I was visiting to look after me as I’m not coping just now.    I’m a complete and utter basket case.  I know hubby is struggling with what to do for me too, as he’s never seen me like this, and it hurts that I’m hurting him, but I just can’t shake it.

I don’t remember ever feeling this down, even when I was in hospital for 9 weeks, I kept my positivity, and brightness.

I do know how far I’ve come, and how much better I am, but this just seems continuous, with no end in sight, and I honestly don’t want to do it anymore, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

I’ve spoken to my consultant, and she thinks it would be a good idea to have a course of anti depressants – my idea just to get me through the next few months, to get me out of this downward spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into – so I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor this week and hopefully things will start looking up soon.

Watch this space πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ